Barnes and Noble Announces Plan To Sell Books

by staff on April 25, 2009

bn11

MIRA MESA — Today Barnes and Noble unveiled an aggressive plan to sell books to customers who shamelessly spend hours reading them free.

The announcement came a day after the company reported a dismal quarterly profit of $17 — citing the fact that “no one actually buys stuff.”

A typical Barnes and Noble customer

A typical Barnes and Noble customer

Barnes and Noble CEO Jeff Douglass explained, “We realize that the majority of people treat our store like a library, so we’re taking corrective action to remedy the situation.”

“We’re going to put an end to the days where people could sit and read books for hours until they fall asleep,” he added.

Douglass said that all Barnes and Noble stores will be required enforce a new system designed to sell books to customers who would normally walk out of the store empty handed.

“Starting next month, we’ll be hiring book bouncers to closely monitor the book reading activities of all 271 of our stores.”

The book bouncers will follow several strict rules to ensure ‘customers’ aren’t abusing their reading privileges.

Book BouncerDouglass explained, “If a book bouncer sees someone reading a book for longer than 20 minutes, they will tell the person to either buy the book or leave. If the person refuses to cooperate, they will be forcefully ejected from the store.”

“Also, if a shopper takes 10 books on the same subject to a table, then just briefly thumbs through them and leaves a mess, a book bouncer will punch the shopper in the face,” exclaimed Douglass as shareholders applauded.

These aggressive steps are projected to turn the struggling retailer around by the third quarter of 2009.

Douglass concluded by saying, “Last but not least, if the book bouncers see you pull out your iPhone, and purchase the book you’ve been reading in our store for 30 minutes on amazon.com, they will follow you to your car and beat the shit out of you.”

Man caught buying books on Amazon.com with iphone inside Barnes and Noble

Man caught buying books on Amazon.com with iPhone inside Barnes and Noble

{ 5 comments }

Daniel April 25, 2009 at 8:50 pm

The book bouncers do know that once you buy the book on your iPhone, beating the shit out of you won’t transfer the transaction to B&N, right? Flawed logic in an otherwise hilarious pseudo-news article.

Joe April 25, 2009 at 9:40 pm

Clearly Daniel’s sense or humor is just as sharp as his ability to spot a fake news site. You can’t slip anything past your readers!

Wendland September 3, 2009 at 9:14 pm

Hey great blog. Thanks for explaining about this in your post.

Isaac November 14, 2010 at 8:17 pm

Wow, I mean wow. It states at the top of the page “The Official Fake Newspaper of San Diego”. Well it also tells you that its kinda good because you fool most idiots.

Larissa March 28, 2011 at 11:03 am

What do you think “pseudo” means Isaac?
Who’s the idiot now?

Comments on this entry are closed.

Previous post:

Next post: