CLAIREMONT — Yesterday Yogurt World — one of the most powerful and feared corporations in San Diego — took an aggressive step toward its plan to wipe out all ice-cream shops in San Diego by firing a yogurt filled rocket at the last remaining Cold Stone in the county.
Fortunately Tofu House (a completely neutral party) played peace keeper by shooting down the rocket in mid-air with a laser beam before it could reach Cold Stone. The rocket was reportedly filled with three tons of Yogurt World’s patented Mango Passion Tart, which is enough yogurt to turn Cold Stone into a pile of delicious rubble.
“This isn’t the first time they’ve tried something like this,” said Tofu House owner Billy Lee. “As a neighbor of Yogurt World, I’m subjected to listening to the owner’s daily tyrannical rants, claiming yogurt is the only ‘pure dessert’ and inferior milk-based frozen treats must be destroyed.”
This morning all television programs on broadcast networks were interrupted by a special message from San Diego Mayor Clyde Baker, who used the air time to express his concern regarding the attempted attack. Baker delivered a heartfelt speech in which he envisioned a future San Diego where ice-cream and yogurt shops could maintain a non-violent coexistence side-by-side within the same corner plaza.
This newspaper is the only major San Diego media publication that managed to obtain the actual surveillance footage of the attempted rocket attack. Though the tape is supposed remain under lock and key (to prevent mass hysteria), I felt it was my obligation as a journalist to upload the footage to YouTube. Please watch the video with caution, as it is quite disturbing.
Many politicians are saying this incident will likely set back yogurt-icecream relations 50 years.