Schuler arrested outside Jerome's Furniture

SCRIPPS RANCH — Yesterday a 28-year-old furniture salesman named Mark Schuler was arrested for allegedly running an illegal CouchSurfing Ring from within the Scripps Ranch Jerome’s Furniture Store.

CouchSurfing is a popular hospitality exchange network — organized by the website CouchSurfing.org — where members volunteer to provide free sleeping accommodations to guests traveling from out of town. Members then receive feedback from guests, which in turn helps them find a place to stay when they choose to travel.

Schuler, who has an active profile on CouchSurfing.org, reportedly invited hundreds of ‘Couch Surfers’ into the Jerome’s Furniture Store after business hours and let them spend the night on the floor-model couches.

San Diego Police became suspicious after receiving an anonymous tip from a nearby Chuck E. Cheese employee named Clarance McDowell. McDowell said that he noticed “a crowd of foreigners” enter Jerome’s Furniture every night at 10:00pm.

After receiving the tip, SDPD examined Schuler’s CouchSurfing.org profile and discovered that Schuler claimed to have 372 couches available to accommodate other members.

“His profile was a major red flag. No one could possibly own that many couches,” said SDPD Sergeant Murray Thomas. “We immediately made plans to raid Jerome’s at midnight so we could catch Schuler and his guests in the act of sleeping,” he added.

The SDPD SWAT team stormed the Scripps Ranch Jerome’s Furniture Store and arrested Schuler and all 138 of his guests, most of which will be deported to Sweden.

The crime scene

When police asked Schuler why he put himself at risk by illegally accommodating hundreds of ‘Couch Surfers’, he explained that he was trying to increase his CouchSurfing.org feedback score as quickly as possible, so he could build up enough positive feedback to be able to backpack through Europe without paying for a hotel.

Jerome Cannington, owner of Jerome’s Furniture, could not be reached for comment because he is currently vacationing at his multi-million dollar estate in France with his Brazilian supermodel girlfriend, Blanca Ferreira.

TIJUANA, MEXICO — Today the Tijuana drug war took a turn for the worse when it was reported that two major drug cartels are now fighting over controlling the flow of legal, over-the-counter drugs coming into Mexico.

Tijuana Mayor Jose Gonzalez explained, “Ever since violence and chaos erupted in Tijuana, truck drivers have been afraid to make deliveries to our local drug stores.”

Shipments of legal drugs into Tijuana are now so scarce, residents are willing to pay up to five times the U.S. market price to get them.

“Currently, a bottle of Advil will sell for roughly $30 on the Tijuana legal drug black market, which is why cartels are fighting for a share of the legal drug trafficking money,” added Gonzalez.

During a recent raid in South Central Tijuana, police searched an armed cargo truck and found 500 pounds of Extra Strength Benadryl and 300 pounds of Mylanta 12-Hour Fast Acting Liquid Gel Caplets.

Police say the drugs were likely purchased at a Rite Aid in San Ysidro (a small San Diego border town) then hand-carried across the border into Mexico.

Cameras capture a San Diego man sneaking legal drugs into Mexico

Tijuana Police Officer Miguel Hernandez explained, “We’ve caught several San Diegans trying to profit by sneaking legal drugs into Tijuana. Things are so bad in the U.S. right now that Americans will try anything for a quick buck, which is why we’re carefully guarding our border.”

Police are currently trying to figure out which drug lords are running the legal drug ring. So far they’ve named two suspects, who happen to both be night managers at the Tijuana Walgreens Store.

“The two most feared legal drug lords in Tijuana right now are Angel Romero and Jesus Diaz,” said Hernandez.

“You don’t want to mess with Angel or Jesus,” he added.

KENSINGTON — Today police arrested 36-year-old Sandra Hill (otherwise known as Psychic Sandra) after discovering that she has been telling fortunes and giving tarot card readings at her Kensington private practice for 10 years without a psychic’s license.

When police ran a thorough background check on Hill, it was revealed that not only was her name absent from the Psychic Board of California directory, she had never completed psychic schooling of any kind.  Also, she reportedly displayed a fake masters diploma in her office which stated that she graduated from University of San Diego’s psychic studies program.

USD is known for having one of the most competitive, sought-after psychic studies programs in the country.  A mere 40% of students enrolled in the program actually graduate, and only 10% of graduates are able to open up their own private practice.

Professor Lampert giving lecture

Professor Nathan Lampert, head of USD’s psychic studies program, claims that Hill was never enrolled in the school’s prestigious program.

Lampert explained, “We have no records of her ever being enrolled here. Obtaining a psychic’s license takes years of dedication and training.  You can’t just set up shop overnight, like a chiropractor.”

Amazingly, the majority Psychic Sandra’s clients had no clue that she was a fraud.

“I feel like such a fool for getting my palm read by an impostor who I thought was a genuine psychic,” said one client.

However, the tip that originally made police suspicious came from one of Hill’s clients.

Psychic Sandra in SD County Prison

“She told me that my lucky day was Wednesday, but I got a parking ticket that day,” said client, Jim Gillespie.  “Since Wednesday was not very lucky for me, I decided to notify police to let them know of my misfortune … pun intended,” he added.

This tip was enough to cause SDPD to start the background investigation which eventually led to Hill’s arrest.

Sergeant Pete Bradly explained, “The fact that we caught her is enough proof to convict her in court. A real psychic would’ve known we were coming.”

Yesterday a grocery shopper in Ocean Beach was assaulted by an environmentalist extremist group for using a plastic bag over an eco-friendly reusable bag.

The attackers stabbed 36-year-old Jerry Bentley with a knife made out of hemp, and then left their carbon footprint on his face.

The group believed to be responsible for the crime is San Diego’s most feared activist group, The Green Berets.  The group is adamantly against using plastic bags due to the fact that they cause more destruction to the environment than any other type of bag.

The leader of the gang, Simon Blackwell, recently uploaded a video on YouTube threatening anyone who chooses a plastic bag upon grocery checkout.  In the video Blackwell said, “The only thing a plastic bag should be used for is suffocating people who use plastic bags.”

Today San Diego Police sent out a notice saying they found evidence linking The Green Berets to the crime scene.

“Within 5 feet from the bloody plastic bag we found a Phish Anthology CD and three unemployment checks.  These are typical items hardcore environmentalists usually carry with them,” said San Diego Police Sergeant Gary Thompson.

Because of these types of targeted attacks, certain grocery stores are no longer offering plastic bags, as a safety precaution for their customers.  Stores such as Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, and Jimbo’s are among the first to offer only paper bags, which are biodegradable and don’t harm wildlife.

A surfer was rushed to the hospital yesterday after suffering a shark inflicted gunshot wound on Harbor Drive in Downtown San Diego.

The shark followed 41-year-old Brian Smith in a taxi from Point Loma to 2732 Harbor Drive where he shot Smith in the knee. The shark was apparently angered when Smith accidently bumped him on the nose with his board while surfing that morning.  Unable to attack Smith in the water, the shark, armed with a 9mm handgun, decided to hail a cab to chase after Smith.

Smith is being hospitalized at Pomerado Hospital in Poway where he is reported to be in stable, yet hilarious condition.  This is seventh shark attack in three years to end in a gunshot wound.  Surfers are now being advised to purchase bullet proof wetsuits to prevent similar incidents from happening.

The shark is currently being detained at the Birch Aquarium in La Jolla until his court date.  The Birch Aquarium is used to house many underwater felons including a starfish that molested three jellyfish, and an otter addicted to heroin.