CARMEL VALLEY — Last weekend Jesus Christ made his first public appearance in over 2000 years when he attended Temple Beth Shalom’s annual Jewish Singles Shmooze event — an evening where young Jews come together in the hopes of making a romantic connection with a fellow member of the tribe.

During the event, Christ was kind enough to take a break from mingling and eating kosher h’orderves to explain his situation to curious reporters.

“Look, I’m just here to have a good time and meet a nice Jewish girl like everyone else,” stated Christ unconvincingly.

“Ok, you got me,” admitted Christ. “Actually, truth is, I’ve been pretty depressed ever since my girlfriend left me about six months ago. My ex is Catholic and her reason for breaking up with me was that she couldn’t marry a Jew. Can you believe her?! Why does religion have to stand in the way of two people being happy together?” expressed a neurotic, and somewhat bitter Christ.

Christ then admitted that his depression has made him reclusive, and this was the first time he’s left his Hillcrest apartment in over three months.

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to remain optimistic. I’m 36 years old and always thought I’d be married before my second coming. After Catherine left me I thought to myself, maybe it’s time I give Jewish women a chance, so I created a profile on JDate. I’m sure my mom will be thrilled about that since she’d probably have a heart attack if she knew I had a thing for Shiksas.”

When asked how he thought he did with the Jewish women at the event, Christ explained, “The Jewish singles scene is pretty tough. I mean, I’m here competing with doctors, lawyers, and engineers … I make a modest salary as a carpenter.”

“To break the ice with women, I’ve been resorting to a classic party trick where I turn water into wine, which came in handy tonight since the event isn’t open bar.”

At the close of the event, Christ was asked if he was glad he attended.

“The food was just ok, and the air conditioner made the room colder than I like,” said Christ. “Honestly, I expected a little more for $10.”

Stewart and Melissa finally meet

SORRENTO VALLEY — After 128 emails, 433 text messages, 19 phone calls, and 4 weeks of anticipation, Stewart Wright and Melissa Bell — two cyber-daters that discovered each other on a local personals site — finally decided to meet each other for the first time.

“I was so sure it was going to be love at first sight,” said Stewart. “I felt like I was going to meet my soulmate.”

However, Stewart’s dream was crushed when Melissa showed up to his doorstep weighing 110 pounds, a full 50 pounds less than in the pictures she had sent him.

“Physical attraction is very important to me,” said Stewart.  “I prefer that the women I date be large and in charge, if you know what I mean. I know the camera can add 10 pounds, but there’s no way it could have added 50. I really felt deceived,” he added.

Melissa was aware that her weight loss might come up as a conversation topic during their date, but she didn’t think it would totally derail the chemistry they had built up during the previous weeks.

“It’s true. I did send Stewart older photos that were taken when I was heavier, but I wasn’t trying to deceive him,” said Bell. “Those are the only digital pictures I have of myself.”

Despite the major mental setback in Stewart’s mind, he was somehow able to muster enough enthusiasm to proceed with their dinner plans at Le Pho — the finest (and only) french restaurant in Mira Mesa.

“The date was a little awkward,” said Melissa.  “He kept ordering extra noodle-filled croissants for me, then insisted that I have dessert.”

After dinner Stewart insisted on going to a carnival in Santee.  While at the carnival, the two spent most of their time looking into fun house mirrors, which made Melissa feel even more uncomfortable.

“He kept placing me in front of the mirror that makes people look fat,” said Melissa. “When he looked at me through that mirror, he seemed dazed, as if he was in a trance, with his hands in his pockets.”

At the end of the date, Stewart gave Melissa a hug and wished her goodnight.

He explained, “When I gave Melissa a hug at the end of the night, my hands were able to touch each other…that’s never happened to me before.  It’s going to take some getting used to.”

Mt. Carmel High unveils Adam Lambert Statue

RANCHO PENASQUITOS — This afternoon Mt. Carmel High School unveiled a statue of American Idol sensation Adam Lambert, a former Sundevil who graduated from the school in 2000.  Lambert won the hearts of millions through his captivating performances, and managed to sing his way to the American Idol finale, which airs later this evening.

The unveiling took place in front of a packed audience at the Sundevil Arena, where several speakers had a chance to share their memories and fondness of Lambert.

Mt. Carmel High Principal Lester Mondale began the ceremony with a moving speech.

“Adam’s success shows that if you stay in school, anything is possible, as long as you dye your hair black, lose a few pounds, wear extremely tight, unflattering pants, have good teeth, and are born with an extraordinary voice,” said Mondale.

Many people involved in Lambert’s life also had a chance to speak at the unveiling. Gary Mendle, a 28-year-old Blockbuster Video employee, spoke of how he used to bully Lambert during high school.

Gary Mendle moments before getting ejected

Mendle explained, “You know, it’s every bully’s nightmare to see the person you picked on become famous, which is why I’d like to use this opportunity to make amends and um…err…I can’t do this! He was an arrogant douchebag in high school — you guys have no idea!”

Mendle was then dragged off stage by security.

Next, former teachers of Lambert had the honor of pulling the curtain off the statue, which commemorates Lambert’s legendary performance of  Aerosmith’s “Cryin’,” and is carved out of pure bronze.

“I think it’s so great that we’re honoring him.  The statue looks so much like him — what amazing detail!” exclaimed Lambert’s former drama teacher. “Now that Adam has a statue, he literally is an idol,” she added.

POINT LOMA — Yesterday in Point Loma, premier defense contractor Lockheed Martin took in a record $30 million at their annual company yard sale.

The Lockheed Martin annual yard sale gives federal agents the opportunity to get great deals on ill-received prototypes from scrapped projects that would otherwise not see the light of day.  The sale is known to feature the “best of the worst” in defense technology products.

Last year the government purchased an F-22 Flying Submarine, and several Missile Cozies.

One of the more popular products at this year’s yard sale was the ALBA-9000 space satellite — a satellite that can pinpoint the graphical position of Jessica Alba at any time, then snap a high resolution photo of her.  The ALBA-9000 project began in 1999, and was heavily funded by the Clinton Administration.  The project was put on hold after he left office.

Another yard sale item that sold quite well this year was the Tank-Tank Top — a thin, sleeveless shirt for tanks.

“The Tank-Tank Top was originally designed to further intimidate enemies by letting them know that they’re in for a drunken beating after you run them over,” explained Sidney James, chief engineer at Lockheed Martin.

Another gadget that created a buzz was a tablet computer device that could help troops detect landmines. The military initially chose to pass on this device because its addictiveness became a distraction during battle.

This morning Defense Secretary Robert Gates announced that overall, he is very pleased with the purchases made at this year’s Lockheed Martin yard sale.

“This year we plan to buy the bulk of our arsenal at defense contractor yard sales to show America that we too can cut back on extravagant purchases,” said Gates.

ESCONDIDO — Today it was announced that San Diego’s annual Street Scene Festival — formerly one of the nation’s largest music festivals — will take place in the parking lot of the Escondido Sizzler.

The venue downgrade was caused by a recent survey which revealed that San Diegans are willing to only spend $6 on tickets this year because of the recession.  As a result of lowering the ticket price, the best venue that the Street Scene Commission could afford was the Sizzler parking lot.

Also, since the festival will be taking in significantly less money, the quality of the bands performing will suffer.  Music fans across San Diego are already expressing their anger about the lineup.

“This is even worse than the Qualcomm parking lot fiasco of 2005,” said one disappointed music fan.

If there’s one silver lining, it’s that during the intermission, the entire audience will be allowed to enter the Sizzler, where they can purchase a dinner at 10% off the usual price.

Below is the official Street Scene 2009 poster design that will be featured in all major local media publications later this month.

For the third year in a row, a Hot Dog On A Stick employee claimed gold at Balboa Park’s Annual Degrading Uniform Pageant.

The pageant, which is sponsored by Monster.com, honors those who sacrifice their self worth by taking jobs with degrading uniforms, so the rest of us can feel better about ourselves.  This year the pageant had a record turnout of contestants and featured all walks of life, from a golf caddy to Circuit City employee.

Most agree that the highlight of the pageant was the moving victory speech delivered by gold medal winner, 18-year-old Rebecca Davis.

“None of this would be possible without my father, whose drunken insults battered my self-esteem, and made me think that I wasn’t good enough to work at Cinnabon,” said Davis.

Davis faced stiff competition from a Hooters waitress and a San Diego Padres player, but ended up winning the hearts of the judges.  In her post-victory interview, she admitted that she did not expect to win gold.

“I really thought Jake Peavy was going to win gold this year,” said Davis.  “I mean my uniform is pretty degrading … but I’d rather have middle-aged men gawk at me while I pump lemonade in this ridiculous outfit than have to wear a Padres uniform.”

There was one awkward moment in the competition, when an angry contestant in a gorilla suit who was disqualified for arriving late, punched who he thought was the pageant’s referee.  The ‘referee’ turned out to be a Foot Locker employee who was also a contestant.

San Diego Mayor Rupert Jones was at the event to present Davis with a $200 gift certificate to Miramar Community College, which she could potentially use toward obtaining an associates degree.  The degree would enable her to go from working at the food court to working at a nice restaurant on the first floor of the mall.

Since the pageant, Davis has reportedly received several offers to endorse embarrassing-to-admit-you-own products such as the Segway and Microsoft Zune.

Yesterday a man in Santee skipped work to partake in a free $6 Denny’s Grand Slam Breakfast, which ultimately led to his job loss, and divorce.

During last Sunday’s Superbowl, Denny’s aired a commercial that announced they would be giving away free Grand Slams to the public on the following Tuesday.  After seeing the ad, 43-year-old Roy Patterson reportedly became obsessed with the idea of getting the free breakfast (which consists of two pancakes, two eggs, two strips of bacon, and two sausage links).

Tuesday morning Patterson secretly avoided going to work, then made his way over to Denny’s, where he waited in line for three hours with hundreds of other Santee residents.

While Patterson ate the free $6 breakfast, his car was towed for being illegally parked.  Patterson witnessed the tow truck taking his own car away, but was indifferent to losing his vehicle, and continued to savor his free food.

After getting his car back from the impound, Patterson arrived to his job six hours late.  He was immediately fired, then escorted from the building by security.

A swarm of people who value three hours of their time at $6 wait for their free breakfast

Brad Jones, Patterson’s supervisor explained, “We had a critical meeting with one of our top customers on Tuesday. Roy Patterson absolutely needed to be there, there’s no excuse.”

After learning her husband was fired because he decided to waste his whole morning waiting for a free $6 breakfast, Patterson’s wife, (now ex-wife) Lisa, informed Roy she was leaving him, thus ending their 15-year marriage.

She exclaimed, “That was the last straw! Roy makes $40 an hour working for a defense contractor. It made no sense for him to waste three hours waiting for a free $6 breakfast…which is why I’m taking the kids and leaving him.”

When asked by reporters if having his car towed, losing his job, and getting divorced was worth the free $6 breakfast, Patterson said, “Definitely. It’s a free breakfast. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

MISSION VALLEY — In an effort to compete with high-scale hotels like The Hyatt and Marriott, which offer glamorous New Year’s Eve rooftop parties, the Mission Valley Travelodge is planning to host its first New Year’s Eve Bash this year to ring in 2009.

Executives of Travelodge realized that the recession is affecting the pocket books of party goers who usually attend the extravagant ‘Top of the Hyatt’ or ‘Top of the Marriott’ New Year’s Eve rooftop parties.  It was the perfect time to offer a cheap alternative, which  the execs aptly named “Top of the Travelodge.”

“People aren’t going be shelling out the big bucks for tickets to ritzy parties year,” said Travelodge Vice President of Operations, Nelson Montgomery.

“For $8 we’re going to be offering all you can drink boxed wine on top of the best 2-star hotel in Mission Valley.  Attendees will have a perfect view of the I-8 freeway from the rooftop. We plan to kick off the party with dinner catered by our in-house restaurant, Adam’s Steak ‘N Eggs,” Montgomery added.

The Travelodge party will also feature a live rock band.

“We were lucky to book Maroon 5 this year.  Last year we tried to get them but they had already committed to the venue at the Super 8 down the street,” said Montgomery.