LA JOLLA — Last week the city of San Diego announced a plan to drive the seals away from their La Jolla Cove home by playing recordings of barking dogs, so the area could be used as its original intended purpose — a children’s swimming pool.

After learning that the barking dog plan would cost $689,000, the public expressed their discontent, and demanded a revision that would be more cost effective and sound less ridiculous.

Feeling obliged to listen to his constituents, Mayor Sanders worked tirelessly with city council members to come up with an alternative plan to scare away the seals.

Yesterday, after three days of deliberation, Sanders held a press conference at City Hall where he announced that he and his team have come up with “the perfect solution.”

“We’re going to turn the area into a karaoke bar,” he exclaimed.

Sanders went on to say, “We came to the conclusion that a guy butchering the vocals to Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” will bother those seals way more than barking sounds.”

The public seemed pleased when they heard the cost of the new plan was only a small fraction of the previously announced barking dog proposition.

“I just called a guy on Craigslist who’s willing to sell me a karaoke machine for only $700.  I’m meeting him at 3:00pm today to pick it up,” said Mayor Sanders, as the crowd cheered.

Two guys scare away seals with bad singing

Early this morning, the Mayor christened the karaoke machine by inviting several tone deaf individuals to have a few drinks at George’s, then sing their favorite songs as loud as they could.

Sure enough, within minutes of listening to a horrible, drunken rendition of “Born in the USA,” the seals headed north towards Del Mar.

After seeing the seals flee, a proud Mayors Sanders proclaimed, “Let this be a message to all animals — San Diego is no friend of cute, adorable wildlife.”  He then shot a squirrel with a bb gun.

As the seals left, a group of anxious children immediately jumped into the water to test out their new swimming area.  Two hours later they were rushed to the hospital to be treated for overexposure to seal bacteria.

As for the seals, they reportedly migrated to Oceanside where they are lying outside one of the many foreclosed homes overtaken by gang members.

MISSION VALLEY — As San Diego’s economy grinds to a screeching halt, more and more businesses are finding their parking lots filled with day laborers searching for work. One prime example is the parking lot of the Bed Bath and Beyond in Mission Valley.

“These women are aggressive.  They won’t take no for an answer,” said one Bed Bath and Beyond customer, who struggled to get past a barrage of day laborers to get to his vehicle.

On any given day, the parking lot will be filled with 50 to 100 Caucasian women that will do contract work for next to nothing. They’re available to come to your house and help with tasks like hanging curtains, color coordinating your living room, or finding the best place for your new overpriced welcome mat.

Some of the women are desperate housewives looking for extra income, while others are former employees of Linens N’ Things.

Though most of the Bed Bath and Beyond day laborers have good intentions and are just looking for work, police have received enough complaints of harassment to start making arrests.

“This one woman hit me with a rolling pin when I told her I wouldn’t hire her to setup my new ironing board,” said one man, who was still trembling in fear from the incident.

“The situation is getting worse and worse everyday,” said SDPD Officer Jay Witney.

“It’s almost as bad as the out-of-work bartenders in the BevMo parking lot, but not nearly as bad as the clown situation outside Party City,” he added.

Pedicab driver suffers from a leg cramp while pedaling a greasy, overweight man

DOWNTOWN — Today the union of female pedicab drivers announced they will be going on strike until a law is passed that prevents creepy, obese men from attempting to ride pedicabs.

Pedicab rides are a pay-per-minute service that enables out-of-shape individuals to be pedaled around by in-shape individuals in San Diego’s historic Gaslamp District.

The strike was triggered by a tragic incident last week, when a 21-year-old female pedicabbie named Jane Kelley collapsed from exhaustion while trying to pedal two 300-pound men from the Ghirardelli Chocolate Store to Gaslamp Pizza.  Kelley is the third pedicab driver to be hospitalized for exhaustion this year.

“We’re fed up with having to pedal greasy, overweight men from restaurant to restaurant,” said pedicab driver, Tina Johnson.

Pedicab drivers protest

The union of female pedicab drivers are currently protesting on the corner of 5th and Broadway.  Their list of negotiations include imposing a 200-pound weight limit, minimizing the time passengers can spend staring at their rear ends, and prohibiting passengers from taking pictures of them with their camera phone.

“This situation shows how Americans in general are getting fatter and lazier every year,” said obesity research expert, Dr. Barry Goldwater.  Goldwater is the author of the current New York Times Best Seller, “Walk Your Fat Ass Back to Your Car: The Laziness of Pedicab Passengers.”

To make this issue even more complicated, the union of greasy, obese, male pedicab passengers are also protesting (from inside the Jack in the Box on C St.), claiming that the pedicab strike is unfair.

“It’s unconstitutional to discriminate against us … we keep most of the downtown restaurants in business and make up ninety percent of pedicab passengers,” said one fat greasy guy.

The La Jolla Paragliders and Del Mar Balloonists are engaged in what seems like an endless fight over the coveted airspace strip just above the Torrey Pines Golf Course.

The paragliders currently control the small flying zone above the golf course, but the balloonists feel they are the rightful owners.

The battle began last week when an angry balloonist aimed a missile in the direction of the Torrey Pines Gliderport.  Even though the missile landed three miles away from the intended target, and managed to only damage three adjacent yogurt shops on La Jolla Village Drive, it was clear the balloonists wanted war.

In response to the attempted missile attack, the paragliders retaliated with a full on air strike, which deflated 400 balloons.  Because the paragliders have far superior weaponry and maneuvering capabilities compared to the balloonists, some San Diego residents feel the war is unfair.

“It’s not a fair war.  The balloonists are such easy targets because of their large fragile balloons,” said Del Mar resident Benjamin Connelly.

Others feel that the paragliders are simply defending their airspace so fellow fliers can glide in peace.

“If I was being attacked by a balloon, I would do everything I could to pop it,” said La Jolla resident Patrick Clark.

The Torrey Pines golfers, indifferent to the violence occurring directly above them, continue to play golf as usual.  One golfer stated, “I was on the back 9 about to make a birdie, when a hot air balloon landed right on the green and blocked my ball.  I was so pissed.  It was the first time I didn’t break par on the course.”

Despite several attempts, San Diego Mayor Tom Bradoff has made no progress in getting either party to agree to a ceasefire.

Bradoff explained, “I’m starting to feel like this issue will never be resolved.  How am I suppose to solve a dispute in which the object being fought over is literally invislible?”