MIRA MESA — “Let’s face it, if a kid is raised in Mira Mesa, we pretty much know where he’ll end up later in life,” were powerful words uttered by San Diego Mayor Calvin Malone at this morning’s ribbon-cutting ceremony commencing the opening of a new prison built adjacent to Mira Mesa High School.

“It was a tough choice deciding what to do with the $8 million in government stimulus money we received, but in the end we thought a new prison would be more practical than fixing up the school or buying textbooks,” Malone added.

The new 12,000 square foot maximum security juvenile correctional facility can house as many as 2,300 teenagers at one time.

Hundreds of people turned out to celebrate the event, including the Mira Mesa High School Mascot, Phozzy the Pho.

San Diego Mayor Calvin Malone joins Vice-Principle Stephanie Lauson and Phozzy the Pho to commemorate the grand opening of the new prison.

Mira Mesa Police Chief Carl Feldman expressed his enthusiasm for the prison at the event.

“It’s going to be great to not have to drive these Mira Mesa kids all the way downtown after arresting them,” said Feldman. “The savings on gas alone justifies the cost of the facility.”

The small percentage of students who aren’t incarcerated by senior year will have the option of transferring directly to the prison after graduation thanks to a new government-sponsored program.

Mira Mesa High Vice-Principle Stephanie Lauson said, “We’re extremely delighted to know that every one of our students has the option of going directly to prison.”

Prison security guards have already began an on-campus recruitment campaign by talking to kids about the benefits of prison during their lunch break.

The prison will offer both a 4-year program as well as an accelerated 2-year program for kids who are really eager to turn their lives around.

Though the proximity of the prison is convenient for visits, some Mira Mesa parents have higher aspirations for their kids.

Jill Swanson has been reading dozens of different prison brochures for the last several weeks on behalf of her son Zachery, who at the age of 16, already has two strikes.

“We want to pick out the best prison for our son,” said Swanson. “We’ve had several offers so far but we don’t want to rush into an important decision like this one. These days prisons are very eager to earn extra taxpayer dollars for housing our kids, so we feel we can be choosy.”

4S RANCH — San Diego County’s Television Network (CTN) — which provides such Emmy Award winning programming as Java Jams and County Chronicles — recently debuted a new reality show focused on urging hipsters to come out of their shell and participate in normal mainstream activities.

4S Ranch is so suburban, it makes Carmel Valley look like Kensington

The show, titled I’m A Hipster, Get Me Out Of Here, takes a group of hipsters from North Park and transplants them into the most suburban area known to mankind: 4S Ranch.

Each week the hipsters are faced with a series of challenges, which may appear trivial to the average person, but are extremely strenuous to the nonconformist heart of a hipster.  In fact, several emotional meltdowns took place during the first episode.

The first challenge of the episode required the hipsters to drink coffee from Starbucks while listening to Billboard Top 200 songs from an iPod.  One hipster, 23-year-old Cory Flemming, broke down in the middle of listening to Jordan Sparks’ “Battlefield” and ended up quitting the show shortly after.

“I just want to go home,” cried Flemming, as a mixture of tears and black eye shadow poured down his face, landing in his untouched vanilla cappuccino.  During Flemming’s emotional breakdown, paramedics attempted to calm him down by rushing him a pack of cigarettes as well as a cup of freshly brewed coffee from Claire De Lune.  Flemming finally calmed down after producers of the show let him listen to an iPod full of obscure indie bands that no one has ever heard of.

The second challenge of the show forced the hipsters to look presentable and socialize with society.  The hipsters were instructed to wear an outfit from The Gap then enter Panera Bread, where their goal was to get a job interview.

This challenge was apparently too overwhelming for 22-year-old Peter Rossdale, who made a sudden break for the store’s exit as soon as he got to the counter.  “Get me out of this sweater vest,” he exclaimed.  Paramedics once again came to the rescue, this time by giving Rossdale back his studded belt.

Peter Rossdale sheds a final tear before leaving the show

The producers, feeling sorry for a sobbing, distraught Rossdale, allowed him to change back into his $5 ensemble from Buffalo Exchange.

For being a good sport, Rossdale received a $25 gift certificate to Metropolis Tattoo and Piercing, a popular hipster gathering spot on University Ave.

The show’s finale will air in November, and the winner of the 8-week competition will receive a scholarship to art school and a lifetime and supply of black hair-dye.

LA JOLLA — Last week the city of San Diego announced a plan to drive the seals away from their La Jolla Cove home by playing recordings of barking dogs, so the area could be used as its original intended purpose — a children’s swimming pool.

After learning that the barking dog plan would cost $689,000, the public expressed their discontent, and demanded a revision that would be more cost effective and sound less ridiculous.

Feeling obliged to listen to his constituents, Mayor Sanders worked tirelessly with city council members to come up with an alternative plan to scare away the seals.

Yesterday, after three days of deliberation, Sanders held a press conference at City Hall where he announced that he and his team have come up with “the perfect solution.”

“We’re going to turn the area into a karaoke bar,” he exclaimed.

Sanders went on to say, “We came to the conclusion that a guy butchering the vocals to Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” will bother those seals way more than barking sounds.”

The public seemed pleased when they heard the cost of the new plan was only a small fraction of the previously announced barking dog proposition.

“I just called a guy on Craigslist who’s willing to sell me a karaoke machine for only $700.  I’m meeting him at 3:00pm today to pick it up,” said Mayor Sanders, as the crowd cheered.

Two guys scare away seals with bad singing

Early this morning, the Mayor christened the karaoke machine by inviting several tone deaf individuals to have a few drinks at George’s, then sing their favorite songs as loud as they could.

Sure enough, within minutes of listening to a horrible, drunken rendition of “Born in the USA,” the seals headed north towards Del Mar.

After seeing the seals flee, a proud Mayors Sanders proclaimed, “Let this be a message to all animals — San Diego is no friend of cute, adorable wildlife.”  He then shot a squirrel with a bb gun.

As the seals left, a group of anxious children immediately jumped into the water to test out their new swimming area.  Two hours later they were rushed to the hospital to be treated for overexposure to seal bacteria.

As for the seals, they reportedly migrated to Oceanside where they are lying outside one of the many foreclosed homes overtaken by gang members.

MISSION VALLEY — As San Diego’s economy grinds to a screeching halt, more and more businesses are finding their parking lots filled with day laborers searching for work. One prime example is the parking lot of the Bed Bath and Beyond in Mission Valley.

“These women are aggressive.  They won’t take no for an answer,” said one Bed Bath and Beyond customer, who struggled to get past a barrage of day laborers to get to his vehicle.

On any given day, the parking lot will be filled with 50 to 100 Caucasian women that will do contract work for next to nothing. They’re available to come to your house and help with tasks like hanging curtains, color coordinating your living room, or finding the best place for your new overpriced welcome mat.

Some of the women are desperate housewives looking for extra income, while others are former employees of Linens N’ Things.

Though most of the Bed Bath and Beyond day laborers have good intentions and are just looking for work, police have received enough complaints of harassment to start making arrests.

“This one woman hit me with a rolling pin when I told her I wouldn’t hire her to setup my new ironing board,” said one man, who was still trembling in fear from the incident.

“The situation is getting worse and worse everyday,” said SDPD Officer Jay Witney.

“It’s almost as bad as the out-of-work bartenders in the BevMo parking lot, but not nearly as bad as the clown situation outside Party City,” he added.

MIRA MESA — Rather than waking up to the usual morning sounds of helicopters, police sirens, and car windows breaking, today Mira Mesa residents arose to the soothing sounds of ocean waves and seagulls cawing.

Oceanographers claim that an “overnight global warming surge” caused the Pacific Ocean to rise 250 feet and move five miles inland, covering all land between La Jolla Shores and Camino Santa Fe.

As a side effect of the catastrophe, Mira Mesa is now considered beachfront property, and home values for the 92126 zip code instantly rose an average of 300K in the morning hours.

“Our day has finally come,” exclaimed one Mira Mesa resident, as he joyfully danced outside of Pho King, a popular local Vietnamese Restaurant.  “Wealthy people from Sorrento Valley, La Jolla, and Del Mar, who have scoffed at us for years, are now underwater in their homes,” he added.

Poverty stricken areas of San Diego have depreciated the most from the recent real estate bubble. Real estate bloggers have been saying for months that the homes of the wealthy would eventually be affected, but no one predicted it would happen overnight.

Some say the calamity is an act of “divine intervention,” punishing the rich for their greedy ways.  Others are saying the disaster is a conspiracy linked to President Obama’s redistribution of wealth plan.

Mira Mesa residents are already showing signs of becoming adjusted to beach life.  One man was spotted taking the bars off the windows of his house, and using them to make a lobster trap.

Also, incidents of crime have already dropped significantly – which usually goes hand in hand with living in a beach community (excluding Oceanside).  Police data from sandiego.gov’s crime statistics page showed only three car thefts in Mira Mesa this morning, down from an average of 27.

Pedicab driver suffers from a leg cramp while pedaling a greasy, overweight man

DOWNTOWN — Today the union of female pedicab drivers announced they will be going on strike until a law is passed that prevents creepy, obese men from attempting to ride pedicabs.

Pedicab rides are a pay-per-minute service that enables out-of-shape individuals to be pedaled around by in-shape individuals in San Diego’s historic Gaslamp District.

The strike was triggered by a tragic incident last week, when a 21-year-old female pedicabbie named Jane Kelley collapsed from exhaustion while trying to pedal two 300-pound men from the Ghirardelli Chocolate Store to Gaslamp Pizza.  Kelley is the third pedicab driver to be hospitalized for exhaustion this year.

“We’re fed up with having to pedal greasy, overweight men from restaurant to restaurant,” said pedicab driver, Tina Johnson.

Pedicab drivers protest

The union of female pedicab drivers are currently protesting on the corner of 5th and Broadway.  Their list of negotiations include imposing a 200-pound weight limit, minimizing the time passengers can spend staring at their rear ends, and prohibiting passengers from taking pictures of them with their camera phone.

“This situation shows how Americans in general are getting fatter and lazier every year,” said obesity research expert, Dr. Barry Goldwater.  Goldwater is the author of the current New York Times Best Seller, “Walk Your Fat Ass Back to Your Car: The Laziness of Pedicab Passengers.”

To make this issue even more complicated, the union of greasy, obese, male pedicab passengers are also protesting (from inside the Jack in the Box on C St.), claiming that the pedicab strike is unfair.

“It’s unconstitutional to discriminate against us … we keep most of the downtown restaurants in business and make up ninety percent of pedicab passengers,” said one fat greasy guy.

After years of controversial legal battles, yesterday a La Jolla judge declared once and for all that the Mount Soledad Cross shall be removed, and replaced with a smaller, more efficient, Japanese Cross.

“The Mount Soledad Cross is just too big and too expensive to maintain,” said Judge Frank Weston, moments before making the decision to have the cross replaced.

Over the years San Diego tax payers were forced to shell out millions in maintenance fees and legacy costs to ensure the Mount Soledad Cross was operable.  The bulky American made cross would often break down in severe weather conditions, and its enormous size made repairs extremely difficult.

The new Japanese Cross is less than half the height, and ten times thinner than old cross.

Judge Weston proclaimed, “The new cross can power half of the homes on Mount Soledad using solar technology.  Plus, it has really neat LED lights.”

After the ruling was made, several San Diegans expressed their opinions to reporters outside the La Jolla Courthouse.

Pacific Beach resident Todd Parker said, “I’m happy with the decision.  What did that old cross ever do for us?  In this modern era, it’s inconvenient to embrace something so large and archaic, that lacks LEDs.”

It seems technology will triumph over tradition in this court case, but not everyone is thrilled with the decision.

“I’m sad to see the old Soledad cross go, I’ve been jogging by it every day for 25 years…I could always count on being there.  You can call me old fashioned, but that new Japanese cross looks like a cheap plastic spaceship,” said La Jolla resident Douglass Whittman.

Though after the interview, Whittman did admit he was impressed with the LEDs on the new model.

4S RANCH — Last week a flurry of gang-related activity sprung up in San Diego’s once-peaceful 4S Ranch community, leaving residents terrified and perplexed at the recent crime wave.

Jane Chatsworth, a stay-at-home mother of one explained, “4S Ranch has always been a sterile community.  Up until this point we’ve always been able to drive away elements that threaten us…such as young single people, art, culture, and diversity.”

Chatsworth lives on Utopia Lane inside 4S Ranch’s exclusive Cookie Cutter gated community, where in one week, her house has dropped in value by $300,000.

4S Ranch has a long history of being one of the safest communities in San Diego.  The area has been a sought-after place to raise a family and shelter kids from reality ever since the community was assembled in 2002, from a ‘build your own faux town kit’ ordered on Ebay.  Because of the influx of gang related activity, 4S Ranch is now ranked 43rd in safety, just behind National City.

A playground once reserved for community children is now a gathering point for gang members

Mayor of 4S Ranch Joeseph Snook said, “Speaking as someone that’s been here in 4S Ranch from the beginning, rolling the synthetic grass on lawns, helping paint the stone patterns on the styrofoam walls, and plugging in the hologram fountains…I must say that I’m really concerned by the uprising of street gangs.”

Residents are advised to steer clear of anyone flashing the 4S gang sign.

The 4S Commons Town Center used to be the kind of place where families came together, lingered over breakfast, or gathered for a team lunch after the game.  The area is now a cesspool of iniquity, and a breeding ground for gang members.  That’s right, they are literally breeding behind the Pei Wei Restaurant…it’s quite disturbing.

How the gangs were able infiltrate 4S Ranch remains uncertain, though one 4S Ranch real estate broker has a theory.

“I noticed many 4S Ranch residents avoided paying their Mello-Roos tax in December.  Most people are unaware that Mello-Roos keep gangs out of new communities,” said Carl Johnson, a chief broker at 4S Ranch’s Homes For Suckers Real Estate office.

The La Jolla Paragliders and Del Mar Balloonists are engaged in what seems like an endless fight over the coveted airspace strip just above the Torrey Pines Golf Course.

The paragliders currently control the small flying zone above the golf course, but the balloonists feel they are the rightful owners.

The battle began last week when an angry balloonist aimed a missile in the direction of the Torrey Pines Gliderport.  Even though the missile landed three miles away from the intended target, and managed to only damage three adjacent yogurt shops on La Jolla Village Drive, it was clear the balloonists wanted war.

In response to the attempted missile attack, the paragliders retaliated with a full on air strike, which deflated 400 balloons.  Because the paragliders have far superior weaponry and maneuvering capabilities compared to the balloonists, some San Diego residents feel the war is unfair.

“It’s not a fair war.  The balloonists are such easy targets because of their large fragile balloons,” said Del Mar resident Benjamin Connelly.

Others feel that the paragliders are simply defending their airspace so fellow fliers can glide in peace.

“If I was being attacked by a balloon, I would do everything I could to pop it,” said La Jolla resident Patrick Clark.

The Torrey Pines golfers, indifferent to the violence occurring directly above them, continue to play golf as usual.  One golfer stated, “I was on the back 9 about to make a birdie, when a hot air balloon landed right on the green and blocked my ball.  I was so pissed.  It was the first time I didn’t break par on the course.”

Despite several attempts, San Diego Mayor Tom Bradoff has made no progress in getting either party to agree to a ceasefire.

Bradoff explained, “I’m starting to feel like this issue will never be resolved.  How am I suppose to solve a dispute in which the object being fought over is literally invislible?”

CORONADO — Last week the City of Coronodo lifted its 15-year ban on suicide-by-bridge-jumping in an effort to tame San Diego’s population growth.

The law was enacted as part of Prop G, which passed by an overwhelming margin in November’s election.  When the county’s population hit the 3 million mark in 2007, it was clear that San Diego had become too crowded.

The Mayor of San Diego, Harold Finley who voted in favor of the Proposition said, “The city’s population is getting out of hand.  It takes me almost 30 minutes to get a parking spot at Costco.  Also, driving to City Hall from Temecula on the I-15 is a nightmare.”

These daily hassles brought about by a overabundance of people is why the city has positioned various “Jump Zones” along the Coronado Bridge.  These signs mark designated areas where bridge jumping is permitted.

“We think the Jump Zone signs will make a big splash,” said Finley.

“We hope to see people that San Diego needs least to jump off the bridge, and so far we’ve had good results. Yesterday three telemarketers jumped off, and today we heard that two real estate agents are thinking about it,” added Mayor Finley.

Before Prop G passed, there had been a state fine of $50 for jumping off the Coronado Bridge, which was a deterrent for many people.

“Now that there’s no $50 fine for jumping off the bridge, we expect to see a lot more people committing suicide,” added Finley.

The Coronado Bridge is the third largest suicide bridge in the U.S, behind Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, CA, and the Aurora Bridge in Seattle, WA.  The ban on bridge jumping was originally enacted in 1994 when the city still felt it needed a larger population to drive its economy.

Sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/San_Diego-Coronado_Bridge