CARMEL VALLEY — Last weekend Jesus Christ made his first public appearance in over 2000 years when he attended Temple Beth Shalom’s annual Jewish Singles Shmooze event — an evening where young Jews come together in the hopes of making a romantic connection with a fellow member of the tribe.

During the event, Christ was kind enough to take a break from mingling and eating kosher h’orderves to explain his situation to curious reporters.

“Look, I’m just here to have a good time and meet a nice Jewish girl like everyone else,” stated Christ unconvincingly.

“Ok, you got me,” admitted Christ. “Actually, truth is, I’ve been pretty depressed ever since my girlfriend left me about six months ago. My ex is Catholic and her reason for breaking up with me was that she couldn’t marry a Jew. Can you believe her?! Why does religion have to stand in the way of two people being happy together?” expressed a neurotic, and somewhat bitter Christ.

Christ then admitted that his depression has made him reclusive, and this was the first time he’s left his Hillcrest apartment in over three months.

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to remain optimistic. I’m 36 years old and always thought I’d be married before my second coming. After Catherine left me I thought to myself, maybe it’s time I give Jewish women a chance, so I created a profile on JDate. I’m sure my mom will be thrilled about that since she’d probably have a heart attack if she knew I had a thing for Shiksas.”

When asked how he thought he did with the Jewish women at the event, Christ explained, “The Jewish singles scene is pretty tough. I mean, I’m here competing with doctors, lawyers, and engineers … I make a modest salary as a carpenter.”

“To break the ice with women, I’ve been resorting to a classic party trick where I turn water into wine, which came in handy tonight since the event isn’t open bar.”

At the close of the event, Christ was asked if he was glad he attended.

“The food was just ok, and the air conditioner made the room colder than I like,” said Christ. “Honestly, I expected a little more for $10.”

Phillip Hinckley pauses for photo op during filming of Cribs.

LA JOLLA — Yesterday’s episode of MTV Cribs included San Diego’s own Church of Latter-Day Saints on their annual “High and Mighty” special, which features the most luxurious places of worship across the U.S.

The temple, which is hard to miss when driving along the I5 through La Jolla, has been a local landmark since its 1993 inception.

Many San Diegans are familiar with the temple’s castle-like structure, but the interior has long been a mystery to most, since non-Mormons aren’t allowed to enter. MTV’s film crew was the first in history allowed to pass through the marble gates of the 72,000 square foot facility.

Enough Amen-ities to make Pdiddy jealous.

It turns out, as expected, the temple is just as glamorous on the inside as it is on the outside. For starters, the lobby has its own Starbucks which serves decaffeinated beverages exclusively.

“Unlike other religions, we don’t need to be hopped-up on caffeine to have enough energy to praise the lord,” said 23-year-old Phillip Hinckley, a Mormon priest-in-training who gave MTV a tour of the temple.

The second floor of the temple features a holy water slide, which aims to take baptisms into the 21st century.

Mounted on the walls of the temple are various bible verses which are carved out of solid gold and encrusted in diamonds. Verses like, “For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil” (Timothy 6:10) and “The righteous is concerned for the rights of the poor” (Prov. 29:7).

Google's new ariel map view reveals rooftop helicopter and pool.

Critics of the church argue that the funds spent on expensive, over-the-top decor could be put to better use by going to charity. Hinckley defended the church’s position by saying, “Look, when Jesus returns for his second coming, he’s going to have a choice to make. He can choose to stay at a 2-star temple like the Lutheran Church in Clairemont, which doesn’t even have an indoor pool for Christ’s sake, or he can stay at a 5-star temple resort overlooking the ocean. There’s no denying, we’d all like the publicity.”

Hinckley added, “Our only major competition is the Vatican, but hell, even they don’t have a bowling alley.”

Door-to-door atheists interrupt a family's dinner.

RANCHO PEÑASQUITOS — Last Thursday James and Mary Winfield were enjoying a quiet evening in their suburban home in Rancho Peñasquitos, moments away from having dinner with their two children. Just as the Winfields began to say grace before eating a honey-baked ham, the sound of their doorbell disrupted James’s prayer mid-Jesus.

“I opened the door and standing on my porch were two young men dressed in black shirts and white ties.  I just assumed they were either Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses,” said James.

James would soon realize that his assumption couldn’t have been further from the truth.

“After they introduced themselves, one of them asked me if I found Jesus. When I said yes, he told me to lose him,” said James. “They were so aggressive and pushy,” he added.

The two men standing on the Winfield’s doorstep happen to be members of an extreme sect of Atheism known as Condescendism. Condescendists mainly focus on making people feel insecure about their religious beliefs, with the hope of converting them into non-believers.

When Condescendists reach the age of 23, they’re required to go on a rite of passage where they travel to different neighborhoods on bicycles, knock on doors, and distribute their official magazine: The Atheist Monthly Void.

The Atheist Monthly Void isn’t your typical magazine. For example, there are no subscription renewal cards stuffed inside the magazine because, as the editor explains, “Renewal isn’t possible, once your subscription ends, it’s over … there’s nothing afterwards.”

From a statistical standpoint, approximately one out of four San Diegans between the ages of 18-29 aren’t affiliated with any particular religion, and some worry that this trend will grow out of control and spin off more extreme forms of Atheism, which might lead to members exhibiting violent tendencies.

Security agent protects UCSD's Sun God statue from Atheists.

There have already been several threats by Atheists to destroy San Diego’s two most popular religious monuments: The Mount Soledad Cross and UCSD’s Sun God statue. Security agents have already been deployed in front of both statues.

When asked how he felt about the growing number of Condescendists in his neighborhood, James explained, “It’s just a shame that whenever a belief or non-belief system grows in popularity, there’s always a small sector that manages to ruin it for everyone,” said Winfield.

“Atheists have Condescendists, Christians have Evangelicals, Muslims have the Taliban, and the Jews have Tom Arnold.”

VISTA — Last week during an interview with Dr. James Dobson, San Diego’s own Carrie Prejean (Miss California) explained that she felt as though Satan was trying to tempt her to compromise her beliefs with a question regarding gay marriage during the Miss USA Pageant, and that standing firm on her religious view of traditional marriage is what cost her the crown.

Since the Miss USA Pageant, Satan has been hiding from the press, unwilling to comment on Prejean’s statement.  That is, up until yesterday’s exclusive Larry King Live interview, where a depressed, self-deprecating Satan explained that his inability to sway Prejean has battered his once-flourishing ego.

Satan appears on Larry King Live

“I really thought I could get her to sell out,” said Satan. “I must be losing my touch … what good am I if I can’t even sway a beauty pageant contestant to change her view on gay marriage?”

“I was once able to manipulate brilliant people to cause wars, pandemics, and genocide, without even breaking a sweat,” Satan added. “Now I can’t even channel my evil into a blonde bimbo.  I’m useless.”

Throughout the 20th century, Satan had a long history of successfully swaying beauty pageant contestants to give answers in favor of civil rights, which is why Miss California’s defiance is rather surprising.  Perhaps the most noted example was in 1945, when he enticed Miss Delaware to fake her enthusiasm for desegregation, which landed her the title of Miss New England.

The prince of darkness admitted to King that for the last few weeks he’s been moping around Hell, and his downward spiral is affecting the relationships of those close to him, including his life partner, Rico.

Rico explained, “We used to spend every Thursday night watching Project Runway together — now it’s like he doesn’t even know I exist.”

King asked Satan if he’s heard from God since the Miss USA Pageant.

“Don’t remind me about that jerk,” said Satan. “He keeps sending me taunting text messages like ‘Haha Tinkerbell!’ and ‘Score one for the straight team’.”

Finally, King asked the Devil how he plans to get out of his depressive state.

He replied with, “I’m not sure. I’ll probably bake some of my famous food cake —  that always cheers me up.”

OLD TOWN — Yesterday, as the congregation of Temple Beth Shalom arrived to attend the Bat Mitzvah of 12-year-old Lindsay Rubenstein, they reportedly found two dozen multicolored Easter eggs scattered over the lawn of their synagogue.

Witnesses say the congregation became hysterical at the sight of the eggs.

“I was stunned … I blacked out and fell on my tuchus,” said Lindsay’s grandmother, 67-year-old Sheryl Rubenstein.  “I’ve been on anti-shpilkes medication ever since the incident.”

Thanks to surveillance footage, police were able to quickly identify the egg planter as a local Catholic Priest named Paul Gordon — who happens to lead a church directly across the street from Temple Beth Shalom.

Gordon was immediately questioned by the Catholic Chruch as to why he placed the Easter eggs on the synagogue lawn.  Under pressure to explain his actions, he promptly released the following statement to the Associated Press:

“My friends, there is one sole reason why I planted the eggs. I’ve heard from several sources, that the rabbi of Temple Beth Shalom has repeatedly denied the existence of the Easter Bunny — as if the Easter Bunny never happened.  I’m appalled that in this day and age, a prominent Jewish figure could be an Easter Bunny denier, which is why I decided to give Rabbi Joseph Levine a taste of reality by sprinkling two dozen decorative, multicolored Easter Bunny eggs around his synagogue.”

After hearing this statement, the congregation of Temple Beth Shalom held an impromptu meeting, and took action by voting to discharge Rabbi Levine because of his alleged remarks.

“We just can’t allow the rabbi of our synagogue to make statements denying the existence of the Easter Bunny,” said one synagogue member.  “Statements like that are intolerant and culturally insensitive to the Catholic Church,” he added.

Earlier today Rabbi Levine was asked by members of Temple Beth Shalom to turn in his yamaca, tallis, and beard.

This incident marks the first time a rabbi has been discharged for denying the existence of the Easter Bunny.

NORMAL HEIGHTS — Finally Agnostics (those who are unsure about the validity of religious theologies, deities, and the afterlife) have a place where they can come together and practice their non-beliefs.

The Normal Heights First Agnostic Church — the nation’s first Agnostic place of worship — opened its doors last week, and welcomed all those who are willing to accept that there’s possibly that something is out there, maybe.

Those planning on attending the church should note that there are several key differences between an Agnostic service and a typical religious service.

For example, every service starts off by having the congregation listen to the Agnostic Anthem: EMF’s 1990 hit-single, “You’re Unbelievable,” while clips of religious movies are projected onto a giant screen.

Also, there is no hierarchical system for prominent figures within in the church.

“The church doesn’t have a leader such as a Priest, Rabbi, or Reverend,” said Ian Haskell, a member of the church.  “There’s just a guy we call Bob, who gets up and talks about Agnosticism for an hour while we drink our lattes.”

Bob delivers passionate sermon

Bob proved to be a captivating speaker when he delivered his sermon Tuesday evening.

“We should all take time out of our busy schedules to thank … something … or possibly nothing … for everything?” said Bob, to which the audience applauded.  “We’re not claiming to have all the answers.  In fact, we have none of them.  But what we do know, is that we don’t know,” Bob exclaimed.

After the sermon, the congregation took turns reading from the Agnostic Bible, which is written by the same company that makes Mad Libs books.

“In the beginning the world was created by blank,” said the first reader.  “Then blank said unto blank, ‘Let there be blank!’”

The service concluded by having the entire audience face a giant golden statue of a question mark, which they collectively shrugged at repeatedly until their shoulders grew tired.

Finally, the President of the church took the stage and notified the congregation of upcoming events.

“We would like to invite the church’s youth group to participate in Thursday’s Agnostic trivia game, where the person that has the least amount of answers will win a mystery prize,” she announced.