The September Issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine featured the results of their annual survey of the top 10 sexiest jobs a man can have, and this year the number one spot went to online news writer.

Over 200,000 Cosmopolitan readers participated in the survey, and an overwhelming 85% of participants chose online news writer as the sexiest job.

Online news writer beat out several professions which held the top spot in previous years, such as musician, doctor, actor, and professional athlete.  The survey results provide undisputed evidence that women love men who write online news articles, despite what other people say.

One Cosmopolitan editor, 25-year-old Whitney Stevens explained, “The survey proves that being an online news writer is the single best thing a man can do with his life to attract females.”

Stevens said that she wasn’t surprised with the results of the survey because she herself is extremely attracted to men who write online news articles.

“Sometimes I get so turned on when reading an online news article, I click the contact button on the banner of the website and send the author my phone number and a link to my Facebook page, as well as links to Facebook pages of several of my cute friends,” said Stevens.  “All of my hot female friends feel the same way,” she added.  “In fact, we ridicule other attractive women who aren’t currently dating an online news writer.”

Stevens went on to say that women should not be put off by an online news writer simply because he is 28 years old and still lives with his parents.

“It’s perfectly normal for an online news writer to live with his parents well into his 30s,” said Stevens.  ”I think it’s sexy,” she added.

LA JOLLA — This month’s issue of The Scripps Journal Of Medicine featured its famous yearly ranking of the best 100 medicines.  Surprisingly, Xanax took the number one spot on the list, which was previously held by laughter for a record 73 years in a row.

“Despite what people tell you, laughter is not the best medicine. Xanax is definitely better,” said Dr. Gerald Pittman, one of the many doctors involved in determining the rank of different medicines.

“While laughter can enhance your mood and stimulate endorphins in your brain for up to several minutes, it won’t make you forget that you’re stuck in a crappy dead-end job, come home to a nagging wife, and have two ungrateful brats for kids,” explained Pittman.

“Would it kill her to actually cook dinner once in a while?” he added.

Vicodin and Ambien secured the third and fourth spot on the list, followed by Boylex, a relatively new drug that helps you get the image of Susan Boyle out of your head.

Now that laughter isn’t the best medicine, doctors and scientists are questioning the validity of other popular age-old expressions.

“Laughter isn’t the best medicine and there aren’t plenty of fish in the sea,” said Pittman.

“I let my one fish get away, and now I’m stuck with a 175-pound jellyfish that sits at home and watches Oprah when she should be cleaning,” said a teary eyed Dr. Pittman.

Given that we’re in a recession, Dr. Pittman made it a point to emphasize that consumers should only spend their money on the most effective medicine possible this year.

“Cash-strapped consumers have a choice this year. They can either spend that last $10 bill on watching the new Seth Rogen comedy, which doesn’t even look that funny, or they can put it to good use at a CVS Pharmacy, if you know what I mean. Choose wisely.”

Researchers at a prestigious community college released a study which claims that most office workers waste an average of 30 minutes per day reading online news articles.

“If you summed up all the money people are paid while reading online news articles during a given day, just in San Diego alone, it would be enough to feed a starving village in Chula Vista for three years,” said Dr. Steven Raymer, a professor from the Mesa College department of management and marketing.

According to Raymer, most office workers are unaware of how much time they waste reading news articles.

“Office workers will read anything on the internet, regardless of whether it’s relevant or not,” added Raymer.

By Dr. Raymer’s calculations, this article alone is projected to cost corporations up to $150,000.

“It’s especially disturbing that government workers and federal contractors are also wasting time reading online news articles.  This means our tax dollars are paying people to read online news articles, some of which are complete nonsense,” added Raymer.

The study points out that employees rarely take into account the time they’ve wasted reading online news articles when charging their time at the end of the day.

“I don’t understand how these people can sleep at night, knowing that they’re receiving money for reading online articles. Every word they read is another financial jab to their company.  They must have no conscience,” Raymer stated passionately.

Peter busy posting a story to signonsandiego.com

The study also revealed that a very small minority of office workers actually write online news articles while at work.

In fact, one man, 32-year-old Peter Nguyen, a software engineer at Qualcomm, says he writes all of the online news content for signonsandiego.com while he’s bored at work.

Nguyen explained, “I started working here at Qualcomm right out of college and got bored pretty fast, so I founded signonsandiego.com from within my cubicle.  I write all of the news stories on the site in between rounds of sudoku.”

LA JOLLA — According to a recent study published by a renowned UCSD psychology professor, 9 out of 10 women who have profiles with internet dating websites state that they like to have fun in their self-description.

The study analyzed the profiles of more than 5,000 women across 12 major online dating sites over a period of six months.

“We took every type of female internet dater into account — from BBWs, to single mothers, to girls whose friends forced them to sign up,” said Evan Hutchinson, author of the study. “Regardless of age, size, or ethnicity … the one common interest shared by 90% of women was having fun.”

“No matter which way you look at it, the study exhibits conclusive evidence that not only do girls just want to have fun, they want men to be aware of it,” he added.

As part of the study, Hutchinson invited a random sample of 10 women to participate in a survey designed to help him determine why so many female internet daters share this one particular interest.  The panel included one woman who did not list having fun as an interest in her online profile.

“It was very intriguing to interview one particular women, 32-year-old Becky Richards, who didn’t explicitly express an interest in having fun,” said Hutchinson.

During her interview with Hutchinson, Richards explained that she enjoys shopping, dining, and traveling, but did not mention having fun when describing herself.  To this day, Hutchinson is still perplexed as to why Richards didn’t make it a point to state that she enjoys enjoyment.

Professor Hutchinson uses UCSD's Super Computer Center to further his research

The study also revealed several other similarities shared by dating profiles of women, including one groundbreaking statistic: 7 out of 10 women claim they are “not your average girl.”

“It blows my mind to think that the majority of women are not average,” exclaimed Hutchinson.

As a follow-up research project, Hutchinson is currently heading an effort aimed at figuring out why women continue to post a group photo as their sole profile picture, then avoid stating which girl they are in their “about me” section.

“So far, after getting preliminary data back, our new study shows that 9 times out of 10, the woman will turn out to be the ugly one in the group photo,” said Hutchinson. “In cases of group photos, men should not get their hopes up and assume the girl is one of the hot ones.”