Danny McClover (left) and his teammate Scooter Weinstein (right)

LA MESA — Yesterday San Diego State University’s beer pong team beat the University of Wisconsin in a stunning 7-2 upset on the Badgers’ home turf, which means they’ll advance to the national championship to take on the Arizona Wildcats.

The Aztecs, ecstatic over their victory, could barely contain themselves after the win.

“We did it! We fucking did it!” screamed Aztec Coach Bill Griffin as the game ended, moments before the team poured a victory keg of Bud Light on his head.

Most attribute SDSU’s victory over Wisconsin to their frontman, Danny McClover, who sports commentator Jim Rome recently deemed “the Michael Jordan of beer pong.”

“McClover is one hell of a player. I’ve never seen anyone throw a ping pong ball in a cup of beer with such accuracy and grace,” said coach Griffin. “It’s like the more he drinks, the better he plays.”

McClover on Red Dixie Cups

At the age of 22, McClover has already received several endorsement offers — most notably a 7-figure deal from Dixie to have his image printed on their red plastic cups.

According to his autobiography titled, “The Beer Within Me,” McClover’s parents noticed his exceptional ability to hold down liquor at a young age. Danny’s dad, Patrick McClover explained, “His mom used to drink constantly while breastfeeding him, which explains his addiction to Bailey’s.”

Aside from being arguably the best beer pong player in history, McClover is also on SDSU’s Dean’s List. Having a solid 1.8 GPA, he’s on pace to be SDSU’s valedictorian this year.

“The guy has got it all — looks, brains, personality, an alcohol dependency…what’s not to love?” said Gregory Thorton, McClover’s Political Science Professor.

Under mounds of pressure from his peers, McClover is rigorously preparing for SDSU’s match against the Arizona Wildcats, which can be seen this Sunday Night on ESPN7.

“We’re all counting on McClover to perform this Sunday,” said SDSU Dean Matthew Grear. “Our reputation as the ultimate party school is on the line with this game.”

McClover prepares for match against Arizona

It’s been known that days before a big match, McClover will abstain from doing anything stressful and concentrate solely on drinking, having sex, and playing Xbox 360.

This is the Aztecs’ second time making it to the national championship since the NCAA established beer pong as a sport in 1996.

DOWNTOWN — After making numerous less-than-successful attempts to attract more fans to games at Petco Park, the Padres franchise seems confident that they finally got it right with their latest marketing strategy: playing feature length movies on the Petco Park Jumbotron.

“We tried several promotions this year that never really caught on, such as free hat night and free ShamWow night  …  attendance was still dismal,” said Martin Young, senior event coordinator for the Padres. “After the series with the Diamondbacks, we knew we’d have to try something totally different to attract fans.”

Jake Peavy's mom cheers her son on from the front row

On May 6th, Petco Park attendance for one game hit a record low of seven people, six if you don’t count Jake Peavy’s mother, who sat in the front row.

“It was a sad day for the Padres,” said Young.  “My son’s little league game had a better turnout. The Padres were losing fans faster than Milli Vanilli.”

The infamous ‘seven fan game’ is what prompted the Padres to act quickly with a strategy to draw in more people.

The Petco Park premier of the new Star Trek movie, which played last week during the second home game against Reds, attracted 30,000 fans, a record turnout for the 2009 season.

“It was a great night for Petco Park … jocks and geeks were coexisting in perfect harmony,” said Young.  “Where else can you get a hot dog, beer, Padres game, and movie for under $20?”

Padres fan Sam Fletcher, who attended the Star Trek premier exclaimed, “The movie was so awesome, I almost wet my pants during the 7th inning. And I heard from a friend the next day that the Padres beat the Reds, which is also kinda cool.”

If news for the Pardres wasn’t bad enough, yesterday it was reported that Petco Inc. refused to sign a crucial contract extension, which would allow their name to remain on Padres stadium through 2012.

“Petco is a winning brand, which is why we can’t allow our name to be affiliated with a losing team,” were harsh words spoken by Wesley Freedman, President and CEO of Petco Inc.

As a result of reading countless negative Padres articles, Ms. Snugglepuff refuses to eat her Petco brand pet food

“Our customers are complaining that their pets, knowing how bad the Padres are going to be this year, refuse to eat our Petco brand pet food.  Because of the Padres’ horrible losing streak, and poor 2009 outlook, Petco, is no longer where the pets go,” added Freedman.

Under pressure to find a quick substitute, Padres executives were forced to sign with a less desirable pet brand company, Kibbles N Bits.

Today Padres owner John Moores announced, “Petco Park will now be known as Kibbles N Bits Field.”

Executives from the Padres and Kibbles N Bits celebrate deal

Moores added, “We spoke with several other pet brand companies before we decided that Kibbles N Bits would be the best fit for the Padres Franchise.  We were very close to signing other deals, which could have led to alternate names such as The Alpo Arena, Meow Mix Stadium, Purina Park, or The Fancy Feast Pavilion.”

“We’d like to invite everyone to join us on opening day to celebrate the first Padres game played in Kibble N Bits Field.  Three lucky fans will get to bat against the Dodgers in the first inning.”

Rendering of Kibbles N Bits Field

MISSION VALLEY — The City of San Diego announced that it’s moving forward with its plan to issue a special garbage can to each household, designated for throwing away hopes for the Chargers’ next season.

The City’s Department of Waste Management felt the plan was necessary because at the end of every season, the city throws away all of their hopes at once, which creates a bottleneck at the Miramar Landfill.  The new cans will allow Charger fans to gradually throw away their hopes throughout the season, instead of disposing them in one lump sum when the team blows it during the playoffs.

“We simply can’t handle everyone throwing their hopes away at once when the Chargers get eliminated,” said Waste Management Technician Dan Roberts.

“During the playoffs we’ve had to hire hundreds of extra workers to help clean up streets littered with Charger hopes.  It got so bad, that at one point I saw a poor bird tangled up in Charger hopes at the beach,” added Roberts.

The city will soon be mailing out the monthly pickup schedule for the Charger Hope Cans.

A box of Charger hopes polluting Lake Miramar