FASHION VALLEY — Today Macy’s gave consumers a sneak preview at their upcoming Spring 2010 Douchebag Collection by unveiling several new t-shirts featuring large, flashy patterns.

Thousands of douchebags flocked to the event at the Fashion Valley Macy’s Store, which left most of the bars in Pacific Beach empty.

“Garnet Ave looks like a ghost town today,” said Peter Fogel, owner of PB Bar and Grill. “The bar hasn’t been this empty since the Axe Body Spray Convention of 2005,” he added.

Glenn Filmore, manager of the Fashion Valley Macy’s store, explained to news reporters why he thinks the t-shirts are so popular.

“Look no further than the animal kingdom,” said Filmore. “Much like a male peacock with the most elaborate feather display has the best chance of attracting a female peacock, the douchebag with the most complex t-shirt design has the best chance of attracting a dirty whore.”

Filmore also pointed out that as a bonus to consumers, brands which specialize in douchy apparel (like Affliction and Ed Hardy) are now printing the phone numbers of nearby STD clinics directly on their t-shirts.

“Now, making an appointment to get tested for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea after a one-night stand is as easy as looking into a mirror for a phone number,” explained Filmore.

Some say the trend of wearing t-shirts with flashy designs to attract skanks dates all the way back to the prehistoric era.

Dr. Frank Castillo, a professor of anthropology at Mesa Community College, believes that cavemen would crack falcon eggs and smear the yolk on their bearskin shirts to attract attention. The yolk would cause the broken bits of eggshell to sparkle in sunlight, which would mesmerize the sluttiest of cavewomen enough to follow a cavedouche back into his cave.

“If you think about it, douchebags haven’t really changed much in the last three million years,” said Castillo.

DOWNTOWN — Today the San Diego Zoo Commission announced that their Chinese Panda population is now growing at an uncontrollable rate.

“It seems like a litter of panda cubs is born every week,” said head zookeeper, Henry Garrison.  “We just have too many of these Goddamn pandas than we know what to do with,” he added with frustration, as he shook off a baby panda cub that was attempting to crawl up his leg.

The pandas are reportedly mating every chance they get and are not shy about it.

“It’s disgusting — Gao Gao and Su Lin can’t get enough of each other,” said Garrison.  “It’s like they enjoy it even more when crowds are watching.”

Garrison predicts that if the pandas continue to breed at this rate, the San Diego Zoo will run out of space for them in a matter of months, which is why the zoo commission is taking immediate action to prevent overpopulation.

“From this point forward, each female Chinese Panda is allowed to have only one panda baby,” said Garrison.

Since the rule was passed, a few of the mother pandas were seen discarding their baby girl panda cubs in the hopes of having a boy panda.

Some say the decision to limit the zoo’s panda population is an unfair restriction, imposed to make room for the more popular crowd favorites.  Garrison admitted that the zoo has to do what it can to please the crowds, and that getting rid of animals in unpopular exhibits is just a hard fact of life.

“It’s not that I have anything against these pandas,” explained Garrison. “They just don’t attract crowds like our superstar, Wally the turtle.”

Wally featured on the cover of Zoonooz Magazine

Since his 2007 debut, Wally the turtle has attracted hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world.  He’s made the cover of Zoonooz Magazine a record 11 times, more than any other animal. Fans typically have to wait three hours just to get a glimpse Wally.

“He’s so lovable! I just want to hug him,” exclaimed Garrison.

“It’s funny how mother nature works.  You can be born as someone like Wally the turtle — unconditionally loved and adored forever by everyone just for naturally being yourself, or you can be born as a smelly, flea-ridden panda bear,” said Garrison. “Life is definitely not fair.”

DOWNTOWN — Yesterday yet another person reportedly purchased a $70 designer flannel shirt, this time at a local Urban Outfitters store.

Witnesses say Todd Kent, a 28-year-old University Heights resident, bought the flannel shirt because being able to spend $70 on ragged-looking clothing makes him feel like both a winner and a loser at the same time.

“I can’t really understand why he paid so much for it. It’s a flannel shirt for Christ Sakes! They sell the same ones at Walmart for $5,” said Urban Outfitters cashier Patty Fletcher, who rang up Kent’s purchase.

Ever since flannel came back in style in 2008, most high-end men’s apparel stores have been cashing in on the fad by charging an exuberant amount of money for shirts that look like they belong in a thrift store.

Jim Fleetwood, manager of the Fashion Valley Mall’s Lucky Brand Jeans Store explained, “We basically opened a crate of flannel shirts that had been in storage since 1992, put them back on the racks, and amazingly enough, people started buying them.”

“It’s incredible that these morons are paying upwards of $90 to look like a homeless lumberjack,” he added.

The price of a flannel shirt at Lucky Brand Jeans can range anywhere from $50 to $120. The most expensive styles have pre-made holes in the armpits to make the shirts look more worn, thus more cool.

“Personally, I don’t get why people are going to high-end stores for flannel shirts. It’s like going to a 5-star restaurant and ordering a $50 taco,” said Steve Hertzberg, owner of Trend Setters, a high-end La Jolla apparel store that sells expensive flannel shirts.

Greg Brown at work, looking displeased with his new suit

“You’re going to like the way you look. I guarantee it” – is the famous slogan uttered by CEO George Zimmer at the end of every Men’s Wearhouse TV commercial.

One Men’s Wearhouse customer, 42-year-old Greg Brown, plans to use these words against the company in court, when he sues them for being dissatisfied with the way he looks in his suit.

Last week after making his purchase from the Mira Mesa store, Brown reportedly drove home, tried on his suit, stood in front of the mirror, then called his lawyer.

“The suit looked great in the store, but when I got home and tried it on in different lighting, without store’s background music, it just seemed a little less appealing…so I immediately decided to sue them,” said Brown.

This is a the first time a men’s suit turned into lawsuit since the 1984 trial of Jenkins vs. Macy’s.