MISSION VALLEY – Today at 1:53pm the Mission Valley IKEA fell apart. Experts claim the store was incorrectly assembled using cheap IKEA parts.
The front entrance fell onto 27 people, but since the entire store is made out of low quality particleboard, which is extremely light, no one was injured.
“It didn’t hurt at all,” said one victim. “It was like getting hit with a giant piece of painted styrofoam, or my IKEA nightstand.”
Shortly after the collapse, a team of structural engineers arrived at the scene to diagnose the problem. They discovered that when the Mission Valley IKEA was originally built, the people who assembled the building neglected to purchase the crucial, yet optional, gloögènfârt accessory piece, which is supposed to hold the entire store together.
One engineer explained, “The builders of the Mission Valley IKEA store were probably too angry and frustrated to drive back to the other IKEA to get the optional yet necessary accessory piece, and decided to settle for an incomplete, unstable building.”
After hearing the devastating news, IKEA CEO Sven Johansson spit out the meatball he was chewing, then announced that IKEA stores will no longer be built using IKEA parts.
“We’ve decided that from now on, we will build IKEA stores using parts from West Elm and Pottery Barn,” he exclaimed.
He also announced plans to sell the broken store on Craigslist: a place where angry and frustrated IKEA customers get rid of their failed attempts at building IKEA furniture.
On a positive note, after the store collapsed, a family that had been lost inside, wandering aimlessly for seven years, finally found their way out.