CARMEL VALLEY — Last weekend Jesus Christ made his first public appearance in over 2000 years when he attended Temple Beth Shalom’s annual Jewish Singles Shmooze event — an evening where young Jews come together in the hopes of making a romantic connection with a fellow member of the tribe.
During the event, Christ was kind enough to take a break from mingling and eating kosher h’orderves to explain his situation to curious reporters.
“Look, I’m just here to have a good time and meet a nice Jewish girl like everyone else,” stated Christ unconvincingly.
“Ok, you got me,” admitted Christ. “Actually, truth is, I’ve been pretty depressed ever since my girlfriend left me about six months ago. My ex is Catholic and her reason for breaking up with me was that she couldn’t marry a Jew. Can you believe her?! Why does religion have to stand in the way of two people being happy together?” expressed a neurotic, and somewhat bitter Christ.
Christ then admitted that his depression has made him reclusive, and this was the first time he’s left his Hillcrest apartment in over three months.
“Sometimes it’s hard for me to remain optimistic. I’m 36 years old and always thought I’d be married before my second coming. After Catherine left me I thought to myself, maybe it’s time I give Jewish women a chance, so I created a profile on JDate. I’m sure my mom will be thrilled about that since she’d probably have a heart attack if she knew I had a thing for Shiksas.”
When asked how he thought he did with the Jewish women at the event, Christ explained, “The Jewish singles scene is pretty tough. I mean, I’m here competing with doctors, lawyers, and engineers … I make a modest salary as a carpenter.”
“To break the ice with women, I’ve been resorting to a classic party trick where I turn water into wine, which came in handy tonight since the event isn’t open bar.”
At the close of the event, Christ was asked if he was glad he attended.
“The food was just ok, and the air conditioner made the room colder than I like,” said Christ. “Honestly, I expected a little more for $10.”