Today the USPS released a new series of limited edition commemorative stamps featuring girls with lower back tattoos.

In anticipation of the release, this morning hundreds of stamp enthusiasts formed a line outside a local Postal Annex so they could be the first to own the stamps which celebrate delusional women who think they’ll be in their 20s forever.

“Purchasing these first class stamps is a great way to honor fifth class women,” said Don Matthews, manager of the La Mesa Postal Annex.

“The stamps, unlike the women on them, are safe to lick. You can’t get Hepatitis from a stamp,” chuckled Matthews.

Most historians agree that the tramp stamp was originally discovered by accident in 1984 when a sweaty prostitute named Nicole Laurence woke up naked on top of a pile of newspapers and noticed the ink had rubbed off on her back.

Laurence described the experience in detail on a recent History Channel documentary about the origin of the tramp stamp.

“That morning when I collected my $40 on the dresser, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed the words ‘Reagan beats Mondale In Landslide Victory’ were printed right above my ass,” said Laurence. “At that very moment, I knew I had discovered something special,” she added.

The USPS also noted that these stamps are the first of a two part series. The follow up stamp series will feature single mothers in their 30s visiting a laser clinic to have their tramp stamps removed.

DOWNTOWN — Yesterday morning Mayor Stevens proudly announced that the recent five day storm, which showered San Diego with the most rain it has seen in years, successfully washed away the tarot card readers out of Balboa Park.

“The rain achieved what no city ordinance could accomplish,” rejoiced Stevens.

Over the years, multiple propositions passed that supposedly made it illegal for tarot card readers to park their mobile stations in front of Balboa Park’s museums, yet somehow they managed to exploit various loopholes in the legislation.

“It’s remarkable how mother nature could create such a wonderful phenomenon,” said an emotional Mayor Stevens. “We should all thank the heavens for detoxifying the park of a horrible impurity that has plagued us for years,” he added.

Before the storm, on any given day there would be as many as seven tarot card readers scattered throughout the El Prado walkway. A veteran tarot card reader could make as much as $50 per day by preying on gullible people that are bad with money. Also, tourists visiting Balboa Park would often have to spend several hours photoshopping the unsightly tarot card readers out of their vacation photos.

Unfortunately, there’s still a chance that the tarot card readers could return when the storm clears. This morning’s KUSI weather report — in which meteorologist Chip Taylor explained that downtown’s weekend forecast would be “partly sunny with a chance of bullshit” — is a clear indication that the tarot card reader situation remains uncertain.

HILLCREST — Yesterday between 5:37pm and 5:42pm a man was heard making loud grunting noises while doing bicep curls inside the Hillcrest 24 Hour Fitness.

The grunting sounds reportedly derailed the routine of several innocent gym members who happened to be working out in close proximity to the grunter. Unfortunately, curiosity got the best of witnesses, many of whom couldn’t help but pause during their set to look and see what type of person would feel the need to over-dramatize his workout session at everyone’s expense.

“Man, that noise was so awkward and uncomfortable to listen to … what kind of an asshole does something like that?” said gym member Tammy Fitzgerald. “His grunting was so loud, I heard it clearly despite the fact that I had my iPod on at full volume.  It honestly sounded like the guy was being tortured, and now when I think back to the incident, I’m disappointed he wasn’t,” Fitzgerald added.

Managers of the 24 Hour Fitness took action by posting “no grunting” signs in the weight room immediately after the incident took place, but sadly, the grunting noise had already caused irreversible psychological damage to several victims.

One gym member explained, “Sadly, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was my first day working out here, and I don’t think I’ll ever come back.”

Later that evening sources identified the grunter as a 36-year-old furniture mover named Roger Helm.

Today 24 Hour Fitness management mailed a letter out to every San Diego member notifying them that Helm’s personal information has been added to the Melvin’s Law website — a site that tracks local gym grunters  — which was launched in 2001 after 22-year-old Melvin Silverstein tragically fell off a treadmill when he was distracted by a grunting weightlifter at the La Jolla 24 Hour Fitness.

A protest turns violent outside San Diego's NBC 7/39 affiliate station.

DOWNTOWN — Today hundreds of thousands of disgruntled Conan O’Brien fans took to the streets to protest NBC’s unpopular decision to restore Jay Leno back to the coveted 11:35pm Tonight Show slot.

The demonstrations — which were coordinated online via Facebook and Twitter — took place in several cities nearby NBC buildings. Outraged fans managed to assemble an unstoppable force that made the Tehran protests look like a street fair.

“It’s truly amazing what the human spirit can accomplish when we feel one of our beloved TV shows is in danger,” said 31-year-old protester Ryan Bloomfield, who came to the rally wearing an orange traffic cone on his head displaying the words ‘Cone Zone’ printed vertically.

Within minutes of San Diego’s downtown rally commencing, several participants were arrested, including one man dressed in a bear costume who was exhibiting lewd behavior, and another man wearing a tank top who was allegedly attacking people using shoes that fit snugly on his hands.

In Los Angeles, police suited with riot gear used high pressure water hoses to disperse unruly crowds, leaving streets littered with homemade signs that read ‘NBC blows’ and ‘Jeff Zucker smells.’

In Rockefeller Center, New York, hostile Conan O’Brien fans were subjected to tear gas and billy club beatings, but somehow managed remained resilient.

One loyal fan dressed in a bathrobe and FedEx box on his head shouted, “You can take our 11:35pm time slot on NBC, but you can never take our Coco” as he was pushed into the back of a squad car.

The nationwide rallies collectively sent a strong message to NBC Executives — the youth of America will put their lives at risk and revolt like hell if you threaten to push back their favorite television show by 30 minutes.

Among the chaos, Jay Leno fans were unseen, though rumor has it that as many as six people gathered to show support for him outside of an Olive Garden in Burbank.

FASHION VALLEY — Today Macy’s gave consumers a sneak preview at their upcoming Spring 2010 Douchebag Collection by unveiling several new t-shirts featuring large, flashy patterns.

Thousands of douchebags flocked to the event at the Fashion Valley Macy’s Store, which left most of the bars in Pacific Beach empty.

“Garnet Ave looks like a ghost town today,” said Peter Fogel, owner of PB Bar and Grill. “The bar hasn’t been this empty since the Axe Body Spray Convention of 2005,” he added.

Glenn Filmore, manager of the Fashion Valley Macy’s store, explained to news reporters why he thinks the t-shirts are so popular.

“Look no further than the animal kingdom,” said Filmore. “Much like a male peacock with the most elaborate feather display has the best chance of attracting a female peacock, the douchebag with the most complex t-shirt design has the best chance of attracting a dirty whore.”

Filmore also pointed out that as a bonus to consumers, brands which specialize in douchy apparel (like Affliction and Ed Hardy) are now printing the phone numbers of nearby STD clinics directly on their t-shirts.

“Now, making an appointment to get tested for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea after a one-night stand is as easy as looking into a mirror for a phone number,” explained Filmore.

Some say the trend of wearing t-shirts with flashy designs to attract skanks dates all the way back to the prehistoric era.

Dr. Frank Castillo, a professor of anthropology at Mesa Community College, believes that cavemen would crack falcon eggs and smear the yolk on their bearskin shirts to attract attention. The yolk would cause the broken bits of eggshell to sparkle in sunlight, which would mesmerize the sluttiest of cavewomen enough to follow a cavedouche back into his cave.

“If you think about it, douchebags haven’t really changed much in the last three million years,” said Castillo.

MIRA MESA — “Let’s face it, if a kid is raised in Mira Mesa, we pretty much know where he’ll end up later in life,” were powerful words uttered by San Diego Mayor Calvin Malone at this morning’s ribbon-cutting ceremony commemorating the opening of a new prison built adjacent to Mira Mesa High School.

“It was a tough choice deciding what to do with the $8 million in government stimulus money we received, but in the end we thought a new prison would be more practical than fixing up the school or buying textbooks,” Malone added.

The new 12,000 square foot maximum security juvenile correctional facility can house as many as 2,300 teenagers at one time.

Hundreds of people turned out to celebrate the event, including the Mira Mesa High School Mascot, Phozzy the Pho.

San Diego Mayor Calvin Malone joins Vice-Principle Stephanie Lauson and Phozzy the Pho to commemorate the grand opening of the new prison.

Mira Mesa Police Chief Carl Feldman expressed his enthusiasm for the prison at the event.

“It’s going to be great to not have to drive these Mira Mesa kids all the way downtown after arresting them,” said Feldman. “The savings on gas alone justifies the cost of the facility.”

The small percentage of students who aren’t incarcerated by senior year will have the option of transferring directly to the prison after graduation thanks to a new government-sponsored program.

Mira Mesa High Vice-Principle Stephanie Lauson said, “We’re extremely delighted to know that every one of our students has the option of going directly to prison.”

Prison security guards have already began an on-campus recruitment campaign by talking to kids about the benefits of prison during their lunch break.

The prison will offer both a 4-year program as well as an accelerated 2-year program for kids who are really eager to turn their lives around.

Though the proximity of the prison is convenient for visits, some Mira Mesa parents have higher aspirations for their kids.

Jill Swanson has been reading dozens of different prison brochures for the last several weeks on behalf of her son Zachery, who at the age of 16, already has two strikes.

“We want to pick out the best prison for our son,” said Swanson. “We’ve had several offers so far but we don’t want to rush into an important decision like this one. These days prisons are very eager to earn extra taxpayer dollars for housing our kids, so we feel we can be choosy.”

DOWNTOWN — Today two local entrepreneurs announced plans to launch a new matchmaking website dedicated to helping single women age 30 and above find the perfect cat.

The site, aptly named MeowMate.com, hopes to attract business from lonely women who’ve given up on finding a human mate on dating sites like eHarmony.com and Match.com.

MeowMate.com co-founder Larry Williamson explained, “MeowMate.com goes above and beyond to ensure that each registered woman will end up with a cat that completes them.”

Subscribers will receive a daily email featuring a mate they are compatible with.

Williamson went on to say that every cat profiled on the MeowMate.com will be rated on 29 dimensions of compatibility by a team of animal psychologists.

“There has to be chemistry between a lonely woman and her cat or the relationship will never work,” said Williamson.

To emphasize his point, Williamson noted that every day hundreds of cats are dropped off at the Escondido Animal Rescue Center by women who claim to have ‘irreconcilable differences’ with their felines.

In California the separation rate between women and their cats recently hit an all-time high of 60%, which is one of the main reasons why Williamson decided to create the website.

Newly single abandoned cat is just happy to be free of drama.

“Necessity is the mother of invention,” said Williamson.  “The relationship between a woman and her cat is extremely complex and can easily end if either the cat or woman exhibits bad behavior. It’s not effortless like a man-woman relationship,” he added.

Television ads for MeowMate.com, which ran last Friday and Saturday night in between reruns of Xena Warrior Princess, are already grabbing the attention of many sad old local women.  For example 31-year-old Linda Collins said she became hopeful that she would find her “soulmate” after seeing the ad.

“All this time I’ve been trying to date guys to find happiness … I now realize I’ve been focusing on the wrong species,” said Collins.

Williamson warns potential subscribers that the site does not have a 100% guarantee because, as he explained, “We want to be realistic.  Some women are so unfit for society that we don’t even think they should be with a cat.  We will refer these select few to our sister-website, LizardMate.com.”

Schuler arrested outside Jerome's Furniture

SCRIPPS RANCH — Yesterday a 28-year-old furniture salesman named Mark Schuler was arrested for allegedly running an illegal CouchSurfing Ring from within the Scripps Ranch Jerome’s Furniture Store.

CouchSurfing is a popular hospitality exchange network — organized by the website CouchSurfing.org — where members volunteer to provide free sleeping accommodations to guests traveling from out of town. Members then receive feedback from guests, which in turn helps them find a place to stay when they choose to travel.

Schuler, who has an active profile on CouchSurfing.org, reportedly invited hundreds of ‘Couch Surfers’ into the Jerome’s Furniture Store after business hours and let them spend the night on the floor-model couches.

San Diego Police became suspicious after receiving an anonymous tip from a nearby Chuck E. Cheese employee named Clarance McDowell. McDowell said that he noticed “a crowd of foreigners” enter Jerome’s Furniture every night at 10:00pm.

After receiving the tip, SDPD examined Schuler’s CouchSurfing.org profile and discovered that Schuler claimed to have 372 couches available to accommodate other members.

“His profile was a major red flag. No one could possibly own that many couches,” said SDPD Sergeant Murray Thomas. “We immediately made plans to raid Jerome’s at midnight so we could catch Schuler and his guests in the act of sleeping,” he added.

The SDPD SWAT team stormed the Scripps Ranch Jerome’s Furniture Store and arrested Schuler and all 138 of his guests, most of which will be deported to Sweden.

The crime scene

When police asked Schuler why he put himself at risk by illegally accommodating hundreds of ‘Couch Surfers’, he explained that he was trying to increase his CouchSurfing.org feedback score as quickly as possible, so he could build up enough positive feedback to be able to backpack through Europe without paying for a hotel.

Jerome Cannington, owner of Jerome’s Furniture, could not be reached for comment because he is currently vacationing at his multi-million dollar estate in France with his Brazilian supermodel girlfriend, Blanca Ferreira.

Door-to-door atheists interrupt a family's dinner.

RANCHO PEÑASQUITOS — Last Thursday James and Mary Winfield were enjoying a quiet evening in their suburban home in Rancho Peñasquitos, moments away from having dinner with their two children. Just as the Winfields began to say grace before eating a honey-baked ham, the sound of their doorbell disrupted James’s prayer mid-Jesus.

“I opened the door and standing on my porch were two young men dressed in black shirts and white ties.  I just assumed they were either Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses,” said James.

James would soon realize that his assumption couldn’t have been further from the truth.

“After they introduced themselves, one of them asked me if I found Jesus. When I said yes, he told me to lose him,” said James. “They were so aggressive and pushy,” he added.

The two men standing on the Winfield’s doorstep happen to be members of an extreme sect of Atheism known as Condescendism. Condescendists mainly focus on making people feel insecure about their religious beliefs, with the hope of converting them into non-believers.

When Condescendists reach the age of 23, they’re required to go on a rite of passage where they travel to different neighborhoods on bicycles, knock on doors, and distribute their official magazine: The Atheist Monthly Void.

The Atheist Monthly Void isn’t your typical magazine. For example, there are no subscription renewal cards stuffed inside the magazine because, as the editor explains, “Renewal isn’t possible, once your subscription ends, it’s over … there’s nothing afterwards.”

From a statistical standpoint, approximately one out of four San Diegans between the ages of 18-29 aren’t affiliated with any particular religion, and some worry that this trend will grow out of control and spin off more extreme forms of Atheism, which might lead to members exhibiting violent tendencies.

Security agent protects UCSD's Sun God statue from Atheists.

There have already been several threats by Atheists to destroy San Diego’s two most popular religious monuments: The Mount Soledad Cross and UCSD’s Sun God statue. Security agents have already been deployed in front of both statues.

When asked how he felt about the growing number of Condescendists in his neighborhood, James explained, “It’s just a shame that whenever a belief or non-belief system grows in popularity, there’s always a small sector that manages to ruin it for everyone,” said Winfield.

“Atheists have Condescendists, Christians have Evangelicals, Muslims have the Taliban, and the Jews have Tom Arnold.”

Lester Finch accepts Humanitarian Award

UNIVERSITY HEIGHTS — Last Friday a 43-year-old University Heights resident named Lester Finch received the prestigious ASC Humanitarian Award for using the popular classifieds website Craigslist to offer shelter to the less fortunate.

Finch is being hailed as a hero by his community, since despite living in a small studio apartment with only one bed, he kindly volunteered to let women live with him for free and in return asked for nothing more than ‘certain special services.’

Feeling so passionate about helping women live rent-free, Finch will often post his ad on the roommates section of Craigslist three times a day.

Finch's ad shows how extremely dedicated he was to his cause

Finch’s humanitarian efforts were eventually recognized by the ASC (Active Social Committee), a local committee which honors those who exhibit benevolence in their community.

“We hope that more people will follow in Finch’s footsteps by posting ads on Craigslist offering free shelter,” said ASC President Barbara Rosenberg.

No expense was spared at Finch's award ceremony

The award was presented to finch in front of 500 people at a banquet dinner at El Prado Restaurant in Balboa Park.  Several notable figures attended the banquet including San Diego Mayor Fred Jacobs.

“Finch is truly a stand-up guy,” said Mayor Jacobs.  “Over the years he’s provided shelter for over 400 San Diego women … we should all be so selfless,” added Jacobs, moments before the award was presented to Finch.

Finch, humbled by the honor, delivered a heartwarming acceptance speech which left many attendees teary eyed.

“It feels really great to be able to help women by providing a home for them,” said Finch.  “Just seeing the look on their faces when I help is all the thanks I need, aside from the ‘certain special services’ that I require four times a week,” he chuckled.

When Finch concluded his speech, the crowd gave him an unprecedented 20-minute standing ovation.

To preserve his legacy, Finch’s picture will be placed in a special wing of the San Diego History Museum dedicated to honoring local heroes.  His image will be hung next to last year’s ASC Humanitarian Award recipient, a local doctor who used his free time to go door to door and offer free mammograms.