Today the USPS released a new series of limited edition commemorative stamps featuring girls with lower back tattoos.

In anticipation of the release, this morning hundreds of stamp enthusiasts formed a line outside a local Postal Annex so they could be the first to own the stamps which celebrate delusional women who think they’ll be in their 20s forever.

“Purchasing these first class stamps is a great way to honor fifth class women,” said Don Matthews, manager of the La Mesa Postal Annex.

“The stamps, unlike the women on them, are safe to lick. You can’t get Hepatitis from a stamp,” chuckled Matthews.

Most historians agree that the tramp stamp was originally discovered by accident in 1984 when a sweaty prostitute named Nicole Laurence woke up naked on top of a pile of newspapers and noticed the ink had rubbed off on her back.

Laurence described the experience in detail on a recent History Channel documentary about the origin of the tramp stamp.

“That morning when I collected my $40 on the dresser, I looked at myself in the mirror and noticed the words ‘Reagan beats Mondale In Landslide Victory’ were printed right above my ass,” said Laurence. “At that very moment, I knew I had discovered something special,” she added.

The USPS also noted that these stamps are the first of a two part series. The follow up stamp series will feature single mothers in their 30s visiting a laser clinic to have their tramp stamps removed.

RAMONA — Nestled between Gravel City and Jim’s Fertilizer in Ramona’s trendy Uptown District, Raul’s BBQ isn’t your average hole-in-the-wall rib joint. The restaurant has mastered a unique presentation concept that continues to attract visitors from all over the country.

When Raul’s opened in 2006, it was instantly deemed the official restaurant of vegetable rights activists — those who refuse to eat vegetables for personal or religious reasons.

All of the entrees on the menu are cleverly named after vegetables, but patrons can rest assure that every dish is made from 100% meat ingredients.

The slim jim stem on the 'carrot' is an example of the attention to detail that goes into every dish.

“Our most popular dish is the ‘carrot,’ which is actually made of top grade sirloin steak. We use orange food coloring and artificial carrot flavoring to simulate the look and taste of a real carrot,” said Raul Delvechi, owner of Raul’s BBQ.

Many customers of Raul’s have gone their entire life without eating vegetables. Customers like 26-year-old Clyde McDowell, who sat down last Thursday to enjoy a ‘broccoli’ dish, which is really pork loin and lamb foot.

“I know that I’m not actually eating broccoli, but the look and taste is so convincing that I still feel a bit guilty,” said McDowell.

McDowell has been a long time member of the organization People for the Equal Rights of Vegetables, more commonly known as PERV. Members of PERV believe that pulling vegetables out of their natural habitat, the ground, is an inhumane and barbaric practice.

“I began solely eating meat after watching a food documentary that actually showed the gruesome process of uprooting a potato,” said McDowell. The image of its roots dangling, covered in dirt still haunts my mind.”

“If vegetables could talk, we’d all be eating meat,” added McDowell. “Plus, with all the spinach and tomato salmonella outbreaks being reported in the news these days, it just goes to show you that vegetables are being abused on farms to the point where they’re unhealthy.”

Some criticize the aggressive tactics that vegetable rights activists use to draw attention their cause. A recent story which made headlines on the national news circuit shows a group PERV members chanting the phrases “lettuce end the suffering” and “beets is murder” at an Ohio vegetable harvest. One radical member actually doused a tomato farmer with a can of V8 juice before being arrested by police.

Phillip Hinckley pauses for photo op during filming of Cribs.

LA JOLLA — Yesterday’s episode of MTV Cribs included San Diego’s own Church of Latter-Day Saints on their annual “High and Mighty” special, which features the most luxurious places of worship across the U.S.

The temple, which is hard to miss when driving along the I5 through La Jolla, has been a local landmark since its 1993 inception.

Many San Diegans are familiar with the temple’s castle-like structure, but the interior has long been a mystery to most, since non-Mormons aren’t allowed to enter. MTV’s film crew was the first in history allowed to pass through the marble gates of the 72,000 square foot facility.

Enough Amen-ities to make Pdiddy jealous.

It turns out, as expected, the temple is just as glamorous on the inside as it is on the outside. For starters, the lobby has its own Starbucks which serves decaffeinated beverages exclusively.

“Unlike other religions, we don’t need to be hopped-up on caffeine to have enough energy to praise the lord,” said 23-year-old Phillip Hinckley, a Mormon priest-in-training who gave MTV a tour of the temple.

The second floor of the temple features a holy water slide, which aims to take baptisms into the 21st century.

Mounted on the walls of the temple are various bible verses which are carved out of solid gold and encrusted in diamonds. Verses like, “For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil” (Timothy 6:10) and “The righteous is concerned for the rights of the poor” (Prov. 29:7).

Google's new ariel map view reveals rooftop helicopter and pool.

Critics of the church argue that the funds spent on expensive, over-the-top decor could be put to better use by going to charity. Hinckley defended the church’s position by saying, “Look, when Jesus returns for his second coming, he’s going to have a choice to make. He can choose to stay at a 2-star temple like the Lutheran Church in Clairemont, which doesn’t even have an indoor pool for Christ’s sake, or he can stay at a 5-star temple resort overlooking the ocean. There’s no denying, we’d all like the publicity.”

Hinckley added, “Our only major competition is the Vatican, but hell, even they don’t have a bowling alley.”

CARMEL VALLEY — Last weekend Jesus Christ made his first public appearance in over 2000 years when he attended Temple Beth Shalom’s annual Jewish Singles Shmooze event — an evening where young Jews come together in the hopes of making a romantic connection with a fellow member of the tribe.

During the event, Christ was kind enough to take a break from mingling and eating kosher h’orderves to explain his situation to curious reporters.

“Look, I’m just here to have a good time and meet a nice Jewish girl like everyone else,” stated Christ unconvincingly.

“Ok, you got me,” admitted Christ. “Actually, truth is, I’ve been pretty depressed ever since my girlfriend left me about six months ago. My ex is Catholic and her reason for breaking up with me was that she couldn’t marry a Jew. Can you believe her?! Why does religion have to stand in the way of two people being happy together?” expressed a neurotic, and somewhat bitter Christ.

Christ then admitted that his depression has made him reclusive, and this was the first time he’s left his Hillcrest apartment in over three months.

“Sometimes it’s hard for me to remain optimistic. I’m 36 years old and always thought I’d be married before my second coming. After Catherine left me I thought to myself, maybe it’s time I give Jewish women a chance, so I created a profile on JDate. I’m sure my mom will be thrilled about that since she’d probably have a heart attack if she knew I had a thing for Shiksas.”

When asked how he thought he did with the Jewish women at the event, Christ explained, “The Jewish singles scene is pretty tough. I mean, I’m here competing with doctors, lawyers, and engineers … I make a modest salary as a carpenter.”

“To break the ice with women, I’ve been resorting to a classic party trick where I turn water into wine, which came in handy tonight since the event isn’t open bar.”

At the close of the event, Christ was asked if he was glad he attended.

“The food was just ok, and the air conditioner made the room colder than I like,” said Christ. “Honestly, I expected a little more for $10.”

DOWNTOWN — Yesterday morning Mayor Stevens proudly announced that the recent five day storm, which showered San Diego with the most rain it has seen in years, successfully washed away the tarot card readers out of Balboa Park.

“The rain achieved what no city ordinance could accomplish,” rejoiced Stevens.

Over the years, multiple propositions passed that supposedly made it illegal for tarot card readers to park their mobile stations in front of Balboa Park’s museums, yet somehow they managed to exploit various loopholes in the legislation.

“It’s remarkable how mother nature could create such a wonderful phenomenon,” said an emotional Mayor Stevens. “We should all thank the heavens for detoxifying the park of a horrible impurity that has plagued us for years,” he added.

Before the storm, on any given day there would be as many as seven tarot card readers scattered throughout the El Prado walkway. A veteran tarot card reader could make as much as $50 per day by preying on gullible people that are bad with money. Also, tourists visiting Balboa Park would often have to spend several hours photoshopping the unsightly tarot card readers out of their vacation photos.

Unfortunately, there’s still a chance that the tarot card readers could return when the storm clears. This morning’s KUSI weather report — in which meteorologist Chip Taylor explained that downtown’s weekend forecast would be “partly sunny with a chance of bullshit” — is a clear indication that the tarot card reader situation remains uncertain.

HILLCREST — Yesterday between 5:37pm and 5:42pm a man was heard making loud grunting noises while doing bicep curls inside the Hillcrest 24 Hour Fitness.

The grunting sounds reportedly derailed the routine of several innocent gym members who happened to be working out in close proximity to the grunter. Unfortunately, curiosity got the best of witnesses, many of whom couldn’t help but pause during their set to look and see what type of person would feel the need to over-dramatize his workout session at everyone’s expense.

“Man, that noise was so awkward and uncomfortable to listen to … what kind of an asshole does something like that?” said gym member Tammy Fitzgerald. “His grunting was so loud, I heard it clearly despite the fact that I had my iPod on at full volume.  It honestly sounded like the guy was being tortured, and now when I think back to the incident, I’m disappointed he wasn’t,” Fitzgerald added.

Managers of the 24 Hour Fitness took action by posting “no grunting” signs in the weight room immediately after the incident took place, but sadly, the grunting noise had already caused irreversible psychological damage to several victims.

One gym member explained, “Sadly, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It was my first day working out here, and I don’t think I’ll ever come back.”

Later that evening sources identified the grunter as a 36-year-old furniture mover named Roger Helm.

Today 24 Hour Fitness management mailed a letter out to every San Diego member notifying them that Helm’s personal information has been added to the Melvin’s Law website — a site that tracks local gym grunters  — which was launched in 2001 after 22-year-old Melvin Silverstein tragically fell off a treadmill when he was distracted by a grunting weightlifter at the La Jolla 24 Hour Fitness.

A protest turns violent outside San Diego's NBC 7/39 affiliate station.

DOWNTOWN — Today hundreds of thousands of disgruntled Conan O’Brien fans took to the streets to protest NBC’s unpopular decision to restore Jay Leno back to the coveted 11:35pm Tonight Show slot.

The demonstrations — which were coordinated online via Facebook and Twitter — took place in several cities nearby NBC buildings. Outraged fans managed to assemble an unstoppable force that made the Tehran protests look like a street fair.

“It’s truly amazing what the human spirit can accomplish when we feel one of our beloved TV shows is in danger,” said 31-year-old protester Ryan Bloomfield, who came to the rally wearing an orange traffic cone on his head displaying the words ‘Cone Zone’ printed vertically.

Within minutes of San Diego’s downtown rally commencing, several participants were arrested, including one man dressed in a bear costume who was exhibiting lewd behavior, and another man wearing a tank top who was allegedly attacking people using shoes that fit snugly on his hands.

In Los Angeles, police suited with riot gear used high pressure water hoses to disperse unruly crowds, leaving streets littered with homemade signs that read ‘NBC blows’ and ‘Jeff Zucker smells.’

In Rockefeller Center, New York, hostile Conan O’Brien fans were subjected to tear gas and billy club beatings, but somehow managed remained resilient.

One loyal fan dressed in a bathrobe and FedEx box on his head shouted, “You can take our 11:35pm time slot on NBC, but you can never take our Coco” as he was pushed into the back of a squad car.

The nationwide rallies collectively sent a strong message to NBC Executives — the youth of America will put their lives at risk and revolt like hell if you threaten to push back their favorite television show by 30 minutes.

Among the chaos, Jay Leno fans were unseen, though rumor has it that as many as six people gathered to show support for him outside of an Olive Garden in Burbank.

FASHION VALLEY — Today Macy’s gave consumers a sneak preview at their upcoming Spring 2010 Douchebag Collection by unveiling several new t-shirts featuring large, flashy patterns.

Thousands of douchebags flocked to the event at the Fashion Valley Macy’s Store, which left most of the bars in Pacific Beach empty.

“Garnet Ave looks like a ghost town today,” said Peter Fogel, owner of PB Bar and Grill. “The bar hasn’t been this empty since the Axe Body Spray Convention of 2005,” he added.

Glenn Filmore, manager of the Fashion Valley Macy’s store, explained to news reporters why he thinks the t-shirts are so popular.

“Look no further than the animal kingdom,” said Filmore. “Much like a male peacock with the most elaborate feather display has the best chance of attracting a female peacock, the douchebag with the most complex t-shirt design has the best chance of attracting a dirty whore.”

Filmore also pointed out that as a bonus to consumers, brands which specialize in douchy apparel (like Affliction and Ed Hardy) are now printing the phone numbers of nearby STD clinics directly on their t-shirts.

“Now, making an appointment to get tested for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea after a one-night stand is as easy as looking into a mirror for a phone number,” explained Filmore.

Some say the trend of wearing t-shirts with flashy designs to attract skanks dates all the way back to the prehistoric era.

Dr. Frank Castillo, a professor of anthropology at Mesa Community College, believes that cavemen would crack falcon eggs and smear the yolk on their bearskin shirts to attract attention. The yolk would cause the broken bits of eggshell to sparkle in sunlight, which would mesmerize the sluttiest of cavewomen enough to follow a cavedouche back into his cave.

“If you think about it, douchebags haven’t really changed much in the last three million years,” said Castillo.

MIRA MESA — “Let’s face it, if a kid is raised in Mira Mesa, we pretty much know where he’ll end up later in life,” were powerful words uttered by San Diego Mayor Calvin Malone at this morning’s ribbon-cutting ceremony commencing the opening of a new prison built adjacent to Mira Mesa High School.

“It was a tough choice deciding what to do with the $8 million in government stimulus money we received, but in the end we thought a new prison would be more practical than fixing up the school or buying textbooks,” Malone added.

The new 12,000 square foot maximum security juvenile correctional facility can house as many as 2,300 teenagers at one time.

Hundreds of people turned out to celebrate the event, including the Mira Mesa High School Mascot, Phozzy the Pho.

San Diego Mayor Calvin Malone joins Vice-Principle Stephanie Lauson and Phozzy the Pho to commemorate the grand opening of the new prison.

Mira Mesa Police Chief Carl Feldman expressed his enthusiasm for the prison at the event.

“It’s going to be great to not have to drive these Mira Mesa kids all the way downtown after arresting them,” said Feldman. “The savings on gas alone justifies the cost of the facility.”

The small percentage of students who aren’t incarcerated by senior year will have the option of transferring directly to the prison after graduation thanks to a new government-sponsored program.

Mira Mesa High Vice-Principle Stephanie Lauson said, “We’re extremely delighted to know that every one of our students has the option of going directly to prison.”

Prison security guards have already began an on-campus recruitment campaign by talking to kids about the benefits of prison during their lunch break.

The prison will offer both a 4-year program as well as an accelerated 2-year program for kids who are really eager to turn their lives around.

Though the proximity of the prison is convenient for visits, some Mira Mesa parents have higher aspirations for their kids.

Jill Swanson has been reading dozens of different prison brochures for the last several weeks on behalf of her son Zachery, who at the age of 16, already has two strikes.

“We want to pick out the best prison for our son,” said Swanson. “We’ve had several offers so far but we don’t want to rush into an important decision like this one. These days prisons are very eager to earn extra taxpayer dollars for housing our kids, so we feel we can be choosy.”

DOWNTOWN — Today two local entrepreneurs announced plans to launch a new matchmaking website dedicated to helping single women age 30 and above find the perfect cat.

The site, aptly named MeowMate.com, hopes to attract business from lonely women who’ve given up on finding a human mate on dating sites like eHarmony.com and Match.com.

MeowMate.com co-founder Larry Williamson explained, “MeowMate.com goes above and beyond to ensure that each registered woman will end up with a cat that completes them.”

Subscribers will receive a daily email featuring a mate they are compatible with.

Williamson went on to say that every cat profiled on the MeowMate.com will be rated on 29 dimensions of compatibility by a team of animal psychologists.

“There has to be chemistry between a lonely woman and her cat or the relationship will never work,” said Williamson.

To emphasize his point, Williamson noted that every day hundreds of cats are dropped off at the Escondido Animal Rescue Center by women who claim to have ‘irreconcilable differences’ with their felines.

In California the separation rate between women and their cats recently hit an all-time high of 60%, which is one of the main reasons why Williamson decided to create the website.

Newly single abandoned cat is just happy to be free of drama.

“Necessity is the mother of invention,” said Williamson.  “The relationship between a woman and her cat is extremely complex and can easily end if either the cat or woman exhibits bad behavior. It’s not effortless like a man-woman relationship,” he added.

Television ads for MeowMate.com, which ran last Friday and Saturday night in between reruns of Xena Warrior Princess, are already grabbing the attention of many sad old local women.  For example 31-year-old Linda Collins said she became hopeful that she would find her “soulmate” after seeing the ad.

“All this time I’ve been trying to date guys to find happiness … I now realize I’ve been focusing on the wrong species,” said Collins.

Williamson warns potential subscribers that the site does not have a 100% guarantee because, as he explained, “We want to be realistic.  Some women are so unfit for society that we don’t even think they should be with a cat.  We will refer these select few to our sister-website, LizardMate.com.”