City Takes Care Of ‘Seal Problem’

by staff on May 31, 2009

Pesky Seal

LA JOLLA — Last week the city of San Diego announced a plan to drive the seals away from their La Jolla Cove home by playing recordings of barking dogs, so the area could be used as its original intended purpose — a children’s swimming pool.

After learning that the barking dog plan would cost $689,000, the public expressed their discontent, and demanded a revision that would be more cost effective and sound less ridiculous.

Feeling obliged to listen to his constituents, Mayor Sanders worked tirelessly with city council members to come up with an alternative plan to scare away the seals.

Yesterday, after three days of deliberation, Sanders held a press conference at City Hall where he announced that he and his team have come up with “the perfect solution.”

“We’re going to turn the area into a karaoke bar,” he exclaimed.

Sanders went on to say, “We came to the conclusion that a guy butchering the vocals to Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer” will bother those seals way more than barking sounds.”

The public seemed pleased when they heard the cost of the new plan was only a small fraction of the previously announced barking dog proposition.

“I just called a guy on Craigslist who’s willing to sell me a karaoke machine for only $700.  I’m meeting him at 3:00pm today to pick it up,” said Mayor Sanders, as the crowd cheered.

karaoke

Two guys scare away seals with bad singing

Early this morning, the Mayor christened the karaoke machine by inviting several tone deaf individuals to have a few drinks at George’s, then sing their favorite songs as loud as they could.

Sure enough, within minutes of listening to a horrible, drunken rendition of “Born in the USA,” the seals headed north towards Del Mar.

After seeing the seals flee, a proud Mayors Sanders proclaimed, “Let this be a message to all animals — San Diego is no friend of cute, adorable wildlife.”  He then shot a squirrel with a bb gun.

As the seals left, a group of anxious children immediately jumped into the water to test out their new swimming area.  Two hours later they were rushed to the hospital to be treated for overexposure to seal bacteria.

As for the seals, they reportedly migrated to Oceanside where they are lying outside one of the many foreclosed homes overtaken by gang members.

Oceanside forclosure

{ 3 comments }

EBone June 2, 2009 at 7:37 am

Love the squirrel line.

sdsu05 September 15, 2009 at 10:20 pm

do you think they would move towards ocean beach if they played slightly stoopid?

Teo September 16, 2009 at 10:31 pm

ROFL

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