New Reality Show Pushes Hipsters Beyond Emotional Breaking Point

by staff on September 18, 2009


4S RANCH — San Diego County’s Television Network (CTN) — which provides such Emmy Award winning programming as Java Jams and County Chronicles — recently debuted a new reality show focused on urging hipsters to come out of their shell and participate in normal mainstream activities.

4S Ranch is so suburban, it makes

4S Ranch is so suburban, it makes Carmel Valley look like Kensington

The show, titled I’m A Hipster, Get Me Out Of Here, takes a group of hipsters from North Park and transplants them into the most suburban area known to mankind: 4S Ranch.

Each week the hipsters are faced with a series of challenges, which may appear trivial to the average person, but are extremely strenuous to the nonconformist heart of a hipster.  In fact, several emotional meltdowns took place during the first episode.

The first challenge of the episode required the hipsters to drink coffee from Starbucks while listening to Billboard Top 200 songs from an iPod.  One hipster, 23-year-old Cory Flemming, broke down in the middle of listening to Jordan Sparks’ “Battlefield” and ended up quitting the show shortly after.

“I just want to go home,” cried Flemming, as a mixture of tears and black eye shadow poured down his face, landing in his untouched vanilla cappuccino.  During Flemming’s emotional breakdown, paramedics attempted to calm him down by rushing him a pack of cigarettes as well as a cup of freshly brewed coffee from Claire De Lune.  Flemming finally calmed down after producers of the show let him listen to an iPod full of obscure indie bands that no one has ever heard of.

The second challenge of the show forced the hipsters to look presentable and socialize with society.  The hipsters were instructed to wear an outfit from The Gap then enter Panera Bread, where their goal was to get a job interview.

This challenge was apparently too overwhelming for 22-year-old Peter Rossdale, who made a sudden break for the store’s exit as soon as he got to the counter.  “Get me out of this sweater vest,” he exclaimed.  Paramedics once again came to the rescue, this time by giving Rossdale back his studded belt.

Peter Rossdales sheds a final tear before leaving the show

Peter Rossdale sheds a final tear before leaving the show

The producers, feeling sorry for a sobbing, distraught Rossdale, allowed him to change back into his $5 ensemble from Buffalo Exchange.

For being a good sport, Rossdale received a $25 gift certificate to Metropolis Tattoo and Piercing, a popular hipster gathering spot on University Ave.

The show’s finale will air in November, and the winner of the 8-week competition will receive a scholarship to art school and a lifetime and supply of black hair-dye.


Tanner September 18, 2009 at 11:02 pm

Claire De Lune rocks so hard! Nothing beats getting a tofu burrito, hitting up Scolari’s Office to drink Pabst with all my douche bag friends, and then hopping in my Hybrid and jetting on over to Claire De Lune to watch… Belly Dancing. I’m so fucking unique and cultured its crazy!

madbard September 21, 2009 at 2:13 pm

I think they’d prefer hanging at Lestats than Claire.

Tanner September 21, 2009 at 10:02 pm

Shit! You are right! The one on Adams is called Lestat’s. Claire de Lune wasn’t half as bad as Lestat’s.

Gaslamp Shop December 10, 2009 at 10:59 am

At least it isn’t named “Edward’s”.

kat December 30, 2009 at 10:04 am

Lestat’s rocks hard.

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