Environmentalists Attack Grocery Shopper For Using A Plastic Bag

by staff on January 13, 2009


Yesterday a grocery shopper in Ocean Beach was assaulted by an environmentalist extremist group for using a plastic bag over an eco-friendly reusable bag.

The attackers stabbed 36-year-old Jerry Bentley with a knife made out of hemp, and then left their carbon footprint on his face.

The group believed to be responsible for the crime is San Diego’s most feared activist group, The Green Berets.  The group is adamantly against using plastic bags due to the fact that they cause more destruction to the environment than any other type of bag.

The leader of the gang, Simon Blackwell, recently uploaded a video on YouTube threatening anyone who chooses a plastic bag upon grocery checkout.  In the video Blackwell said, “The only thing a plastic bag should be used for is suffocating people who use plastic bags.”

Today San Diego Police sent out a notice saying they found evidence linking The Green Berets to the crime scene.

“Within 5 feet from the bloody plastic bag we found a Phish Anthology CD and three unemployment checks.  These are typical items hardcore environmentalists usually carry with them,” said San Diego Police Sergeant Gary Thompson.

Because of these types of targeted attacks, certain grocery stores are no longer offering plastic bags, as a safety precaution for their customers.  Stores such as Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, and Jimbo’s are among the first to offer only paper bags, which are biodegradable and don’t harm wildlife.


EBone February 6, 2009 at 10:59 am

Love the evidence left behind part.

loveit! February 13, 2009 at 7:52 am


Hank April 1, 2009 at 6:43 am

April Fools

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