Door-to-door atheists interrupt a family's dinner.
RANCHO PEÑASQUITOS — Last Thursday James and Mary Winfield were enjoying a quiet evening in their suburban home in Rancho Peñasquitos, moments away from having dinner with their two children. Just as the Winfields began to say grace before eating a honey-baked ham, the sound of their doorbell disrupted James’s prayer mid-Jesus.
“I opened the door and standing on my porch were two young men dressed in black shirts and white ties. I just assumed they were either Mormons or Jehovah’s Witnesses,” said James.
James would soon realize that his assumption couldn’t have been further from the truth.
“After they introduced themselves, one of them asked me if I found Jesus. When I said yes, he told me to lose him,” said James. “They were so aggressive and pushy,” he added.
The two men standing on the Winfield’s doorstep happen to be members of an extreme sect of Atheism known as Condescendism. Condescendists mainly focus on making people feel insecure about their religious beliefs, with the hope of converting them into non-believers.
When Condescendists reach the age of 23, they’re required to go on a rite of passage where they travel to different neighborhoods on bicycles, knock on doors, and distribute their official magazine: The Atheist Monthly Void.
The Atheist Monthly Void isn’t your typical magazine. For example, there are no subscription renewal cards stuffed inside the magazine because, as the editor explains, “Renewal isn’t possible, once your subscription ends, it’s over … there’s nothing afterwards.”
From a statistical standpoint, approximately one out of four San Diegans between the ages of 18-29 aren’t affiliated with any particular religion, and some worry that this trend will grow out of control and spin off more extreme forms of Atheism, which might lead to members exhibiting violent tendencies.
Security agent protects UCSD's Sun God statue from Atheists.
There have already been several threats by Atheists to destroy San Diego’s two most popular religious monuments: The Mount Soledad Cross and UCSD’s Sun God statue. Security agents have already been deployed in front of both statues.
When asked how he felt about the growing number of Condescendists in his neighborhood, James explained, “It’s just a shame that whenever a belief or non-belief system grows in popularity, there’s always a small sector that manages to ruin it for everyone,” said Winfield.
“Atheists have Condescendists, Christians have Evangelicals, Muslims have the Taliban, and the Jews have Tom Arnold.”
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
I’m honestly not sure if the pictures are supposed to look terrible, but I’ve seen my three year old daughter do better with photoshop…. Hell she could do better with MS paint probably! And who cares.. Door to door athiests are just like every other traveling morons. They’ll bug you, annoy you, and then when you shut they door they disappear… Just get over it people, nothing’s gonna change. If the government wants to stop them from going door to door, then there are gonna be a lot of angry Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons when they have to equally stop them as well… They complain about Athiests being violent, but just look at history, and even the wars being fought over religion today! If anything, non religion is better than being blindly led into a boring repetitive life..
Hey, Me… Just a quick question, you do realize that this is a satirical newspaper? Not only is there a disclaimer on the bottom (“*Disclaimer: The stories on this website are fictitious.”), but the banner at the top of the page reads ‘SD Headliner; The official fake newspaper of San Diego’. There are no door-to-door atheists.
A stroke of genius and so many good gags. I love the dress code too although it would probably look better on my sons.
“There are no door-to-door atheists.”
Lies lies all of it, we will soon be coming to a door near you !!