Normal Heights Welcomes Nation’s First Agnostic Church

by staff on February 24, 2009

Agnostic Church

NORMAL HEIGHTS — Finally Agnostics (those who are unsure about the validity of religious theologies, deities, and the afterlife) have a place where they can come together and practice their non-beliefs.

The Normal Heights First Agnostic Church — the nation’s first Agnostic place of worship — opened its doors last week, and welcomed all those who are willing to accept that there’s possibly that something is out there, maybe.

Those planning on attending the church should note that there are several key differences between an Agnostic service and a typical religious service.

For example, every service starts off by having the congregation listen to the Agnostic Anthem: EMF’s 1990 hit-single, “You’re Unbelievable,” while clips of religious movies are projected onto a giant screen.

Also, there is no hierarchical system for prominent figures within in the church.

“The church doesn’t have a leader such as a Priest, Rabbi, or Reverend,” said Ian Haskell, a member of the church.  “There’s just a guy we call Bob, who gets up and talks about Agnosticism for an hour while we drink our lattes.”

Bob delivers passionate sermon

Bob delivers passionate sermon

Bob proved to be a captivating speaker when he delivered his sermon Tuesday evening.

“We should all take time out of our busy schedules to thank … something … or possibly nothing … for everything?” said Bob, to which the audience applauded.  “We’re not claiming to have all the answers.  In fact, we have none of them.  But what we do know, is that we don’t know,” Bob exclaimed.

After the sermon, the congregation took turns reading from the Agnostic Bible, which is written by the same company that makes Mad Libs books.

Agnostic Bible“In the beginning the world was created by blank,” said the first reader.  “Then blank said unto blank, ‘Let there be blank!'”

The service concluded by having the entire audience face a giant golden statue of a question mark, which they collectively shrugged at repeatedly until their shoulders grew tired.

Finally, the President of the church took the stage and notified the congregation of upcoming events.

“We would like to invite the church’s youth group to participate in Thursday’s Agnostic trivia game, where the person that has the least amount of answers will win a mystery prize,” she announced.

Story Update: We recently sent a documentary film crew into the Agnostic Church. The footage has been posted at


BobC February 26, 2009 at 10:18 pm

Whew, I’m glad it’s another Bob. For a minute there, I though you were talking about me!

Then I remembered I’m an atheist, and not agnostic. I don’t even believe in myself!

I wonder if my therapist is agnostic?

AmanK March 31, 2009 at 2:47 am

I heard they’re opening an atheist church nearby.

QandA October 15, 2009 at 11:47 pm

I don’t believe in atheism and I fundamentally question agnostism, which church should I attend?

housreaddme December 16, 2010 at 7:49 am

“You guys act like its some low class part of san…”
Intresting. I would like details!

lacirae7 June 4, 2011 at 11:53 am

Effen-A Cotton!!!! Effen-A. Who knows?

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