VISTA — Last week during an interview with Dr. James Dobson, San Diego’s own Carrie Prejean (Miss California) explained that she felt as though Satan was trying to tempt her to compromise her beliefs with a question regarding gay marriage during the Miss USA Pageant, and that standing firm on her religious view of traditional marriage is what cost her the crown.
Since the Miss USA Pageant, Satan has been hiding from the press, unwilling to comment on Prejean’s statement. That is, up until yesterday’s exclusive Larry King Live interview, where a depressed, self-deprecating Satan explained that his inability to sway Prejean has battered his once-flourishing ego.
“I really thought I could get her to sell out,” said Satan. “I must be losing my touch … what good am I if I can’t even sway a beauty pageant contestant to change her view on gay marriage?”
“I was once able to manipulate brilliant people to cause wars, pandemics, and genocide, without even breaking a sweat,” Satan added. “Now I can’t even channel my evil into a blonde bimbo. I’m useless.”
Throughout the 20th century, Satan had a long history of successfully swaying beauty pageant contestants to give answers in favor of civil rights, which is why Miss California’s defiance is rather surprising. Perhaps the most noted example was in 1945, when he enticed Miss Delaware to fake her enthusiasm for desegregation, which landed her the title of Miss New England.
The prince of darkness admitted to King that for the last few weeks he’s been moping around Hell, and his downward spiral is affecting the relationships of those close to him, including his life partner, Rico.
Rico explained, “We used to spend every Thursday night watching Project Runway together — now it’s like he doesn’t even know I exist.”
King asked Satan if he’s heard from God since the Miss USA Pageant.
“Don’t remind me about that jerk,” said Satan. “He keeps sending me taunting text messages like ‘Haha Tinkerbell!’ and ‘Score one for the straight team’.”
Finally, King asked the Devil how he plans to get out of his depressive state.
He replied with, “I’m not sure. I’ll probably bake some of my famous food cake — that always cheers me up.”