LA JOLLA — This month’s issue of The Scripps Journal Of Medicine featured its famous yearly ranking of the best 100 medicines. Surprisingly, Xanax took the number one spot on the list, which was previously held by laughter for a record 73 years in a row.
“Despite what people tell you, laughter is not the best medicine. Xanax is definitely better,” said Dr. Gerald Pittman, one of the many doctors involved in determining the rank of different medicines.
“While laughter can enhance your mood and stimulate endorphins in your brain for up to several minutes, it won’t make you forget that you’re stuck in a crappy dead-end job, come home to a nagging wife, and have two ungrateful brats for kids,” explained Pittman.
“Would it kill her to actually cook dinner once in a while?” he added.
Now that laughter isn’t the best medicine, doctors and scientists are questioning the validity of other popular age-old expressions.
“Laughter isn’t the best medicine and there aren’t plenty of fish in the sea,” said Pittman.
“I let my one fish get away, and now I’m stuck with a 175-pound jellyfish that sits at home and watches Oprah when she should be cleaning,” said a teary eyed Dr. Pittman.
Given that we’re in a recession, Dr. Pittman made it a point to emphasize that consumers should only spend their money on the most effective medicine possible this year.
“Cash-strapped consumers have a choice this year. They can either spend that last $10 bill on watching the new Seth Rogen comedy, which doesn’t even look that funny, or they can put it to good use at a CVS Pharmacy, if you know what I mean. Choose wisely.”