LA MESA — Yesterday San Diego State University’s beer pong team beat the University of Wisconsin in a stunning 7-2 upset on the Badgers’ home turf, which means they’ll advance to the national championship to take on the Arizona Wildcats.
The Aztecs, ecstatic over their victory, could barely contain themselves after the win.
“We did it! We fucking did it!” screamed Aztec Coach Bill Griffin as the game ended, moments before the team poured a victory keg of Bud Light on his head.
Most attribute SDSU’s victory over Wisconsin to their frontman, Danny McClover, who sports commentator Jim Rome recently deemed “the Michael Jordan of beer pong.”
“McClover is one hell of a player. I’ve never seen anyone throw a ping pong ball in a cup of beer with such accuracy and grace,” said coach Griffin. “It’s like the more he drinks, the better he plays.”
At the age of 22, McClover has already received several endorsement offers — most notably a 7-figure deal from Dixie to have his image printed on their red plastic cups.
According to his autobiography titled, “The Beer Within Me,” McClover’s parents noticed his exceptional ability to hold down liquor at a young age. Danny’s dad, Patrick McClover explained, “His mom used to drink constantly while breastfeeding him, which explains his addiction to Bailey’s.”
Aside from being arguably the best beer pong player in history, McClover is also on SDSU’s Dean’s List. Having a solid 1.8 GPA, he’s on pace to be SDSU’s valedictorian this year.
“The guy has got it all — looks, brains, personality, an alcohol dependency…what’s not to love?” said Gregory Thorton, McClover’s Political Science Professor.
Under mounds of pressure from his peers, McClover is rigorously preparing for SDSU’s match against the Arizona Wildcats, which can be seen this Sunday Night on ESPN7.
“We’re all counting on McClover to perform this Sunday,” said SDSU Dean Matthew Grear. “Our reputation as the ultimate party school is on the line with this game.”
It’s been known that days before a big match, McClover will abstain from doing anything stressful and concentrate solely on drinking, having sex, and playing Xbox 360.
This is the Aztecs’ second time making it to the national championship since the NCAA established beer pong as a sport in 1996.