FASHION VALLEY — Today Macy’s gave consumers a sneak preview at their upcoming Spring 2010 Douchebag Collection by unveiling several new t-shirts featuring large, flashy patterns.
Thousands of douchebags flocked to the event at the Fashion Valley Macy’s Store, which left most of the bars in Pacific Beach empty.
“Garnet Ave looks like a ghost town today,” said Peter Fogel, owner of PB Bar and Grill. “The bar hasn’t been this empty since the Axe Body Spray Convention of 2005,” he added.
Glenn Filmore, manager of the Fashion Valley Macy’s store, explained to news reporters why he thinks the t-shirts are so popular.
“Look no further than the animal kingdom,” said Filmore. “Much like a male peacock with the most elaborate feather display has the best chance of attracting a female peacock, the douchebag with the most complex t-shirt design has the best chance of attracting a dirty whore.”
Filmore also pointed out that as a bonus to consumers, brands which specialize in douchy apparel (like Affliction and Ed Hardy) are now printing the phone numbers of nearby STD clinics directly on their t-shirts.
“Now, making an appointment to get tested for Chlamydia and Gonorrhea after a one-night stand is as easy as looking into a mirror for a phone number,” explained Filmore.
Some say the trend of wearing t-shirts with flashy designs to attract skanks dates all the way back to the prehistoric era.
Dr. Frank Castillo, a professor of anthropology at Mesa Community College, believes that cavemen would crack falcon eggs and smear the yolk on their bearskin shirts to attract attention. The yolk would cause the broken bits of eggshell to sparkle in sunlight, which would mesmerize the sluttiest of cavewomen enough to follow a cavedouche back into his cave.
“If you think about it, douchebags haven’t really changed much in the last three million years,” said Castillo.