DOWNTOWN — Today the San Diego Zoo Commission announced that their Chinese Panda population is now growing at an uncontrollable rate.
“It seems like a litter of panda cubs is born every week,” said head zookeeper, Henry Garrison. “We just have too many of these Goddamn pandas than we know what to do with,” he added with frustration, as he shook off a baby panda cub that was attempting to crawl up his leg.
The pandas are reportedly mating every chance they get and are not shy about it.
“It’s disgusting — Gao Gao and Su Lin can’t get enough of each other,” said Garrison. “It’s like they enjoy it even more when crowds are watching.”
Garrison predicts that if the pandas continue to breed at this rate, the San Diego Zoo will run out of space for them in a matter of months, which is why the zoo commission is taking immediate action to prevent overpopulation.
“From this point forward, each female Chinese Panda is allowed to have only one panda baby,” said Garrison.
Since the rule was passed, a few of the mother pandas were seen discarding their baby girl panda cubs in the hopes of having a boy panda.
Some say the decision to limit the zoo’s panda population is an unfair restriction, imposed to make room for the more popular crowd favorites. Garrison admitted that the zoo has to do what it can to please the crowds, and that getting rid of animals in unpopular exhibits is just a hard fact of life.
“It’s not that I have anything against these pandas,” explained Garrison. “They just don’t attract crowds like our superstar, Wally the turtle.”
Since his 2007 debut, Wally the turtle has attracted hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world. He’s made the cover of Zoonooz Magazine a record 11 times, more than any other animal. Fans typically have to wait three hours just to get a glimpse Wally.
“He’s so lovable! I just want to hug him,” exclaimed Garrison.
“It’s funny how mother nature works. You can be born as someone like Wally the turtle — unconditionally loved and adored forever by everyone just for naturally being yourself, or you can be born as a smelly, flea-ridden panda bear,” said Garrison. “Life is definitely not fair.”