Zoo Struggles To Keep Rising Panda Population Under Control

by staff on April 18, 2009


DOWNTOWN — Today the San Diego Zoo Commission announced that their Chinese Panda population is now growing at an uncontrollable rate.

“It seems like a litter of panda cubs is born every week,” said head zookeeper, Henry Garrison.  “We just have too many of these Goddamn pandas than we know what to do with,” he added with frustration, as he shook off a baby panda cub that was attempting to crawl up his leg.

The pandas are reportedly mating every chance they get and are not shy about it.

“It’s disgusting — Gao Gao and Su Lin can’t get enough of each other,” said Garrison.  “It’s like they enjoy it even more when crowds are watching.”

Garrison predicts that if the pandas continue to breed at this rate, the San Diego Zoo will run out of space for them in a matter of months, which is why the zoo commission is taking immediate action to prevent overpopulation.

“From this point forward, each female Chinese Panda is allowed to have only one panda baby,” said Garrison.

Since the rule was passed, a few of the mother pandas were seen discarding their baby girl panda cubs in the hopes of having a boy panda.

Some say the decision to limit the zoo’s panda population is an unfair restriction, imposed to make room for the more popular crowd favorites.  Garrison admitted that the zoo has to do what it can to please the crowds, and that getting rid of animals in unpopular exhibits is just a hard fact of life.

“It’s not that I have anything against these pandas,” explained Garrison. “They just don’t attract crowds like our superstar, Wally the turtle.”

Wally featured on the cover of Zoonooz Magazine

Wally featured on the cover of Zoonooz Magazine

Since his 2007 debut, Wally the turtle has attracted hundreds of thousands of people from all over the world.  He’s made the cover of Zoonooz Magazine a record 11 times, more than any other animal. Fans typically have to wait three hours just to get a glimpse Wally.

“He’s so lovable! I just want to hug him,” exclaimed Garrison.

“It’s funny how mother nature works.  You can be born as someone like Wally the turtle — unconditionally loved and adored forever by everyone just for naturally being yourself, or you can be born as a smelly, flea-ridden panda bear,” said Garrison. “Life is definitely not fair.”


Ava March 31, 2012 at 1:47 pm

That is not fair to the pandas, it not their problem that they don’t attract attention! Why can’t you just transfer the pandas to the Beijing Zoo? I think it is mean when you said smelly, flea -ridden pandas! You better watch your words about pandas!

K August 24, 2012 at 6:10 pm

Guess I’m never going to the San Diego Zoo again.

The Kidd October 10, 2012 at 2:11 pm

I don’t know what to say. How could these people be allowed to work in the zoo. Why can’t the pandas have as many cubs as they want? It’s like they’re from China or something. I’ll have to keep up with this story on the “Official Fake Newspaper” of San Diego.

Lisa October 11, 2012 at 3:25 am

I can’t get how you can talk about these adorable animals?! Pandas are critically endangered, so you should glory in every panda cub in your Zoo.
And if you don’t get how lovely they are just transfer the pandas to the Beijing Zoo. I would never treat them like you, that’s awful.

nikki March 24, 2013 at 5:40 pm

This article is so inaccurate and stupid. Pandas are endangered, anyone tossing out “smelly, fea-ridden” pandas is ridiculous. The uneducated will destroy humanity while the educated suffer to protect it.

Anna October 2, 2013 at 10:08 am

Oh my god, guys. This article is a joke. The SD headliner – Official FAKE newspaper of San Diego. It’s supposed to be political commentary.

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